Goodness of God

What a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I haven't had a ton of time to just sit and write in my blog for quite awhile. But, that is a great thing because I get to spend my days with Nathan.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a mommy. Not that I can remember anyway. Before meeting Jim, I had resigned myself to just being a really fun Aunt and thought maybe I wasn't meant to have kids. Then, I met Jim and I never wanted anything more. As you all know, we suffered infertility and could not have our biological children. At times in that journey, it seemed like God was not listening to us, that he had abandoned us in our time of need. That everyone else was having babies left and right but we were not one of the 'chosen ones'. There were some months that were harder than others, but at the depths of despair I remember thinking that the whole concept of God's will was questionable.

Then, slowly our hearts turned to adoption. And, we were matched with amazing birth parents. And then Nathan was born. And all of the years of infertility suddenly made sense. If we had been able to have biological children we would likely never have known Nathan and been his parents. We simply cannot fathom that! Looking back at the process I see God's hand in it all. We have had more blessings than we could count throughout this process.

Spending my days with Nathan, my favorite times are in the middle of the night when he wakes to eat. He is half asleep and as I place him on my shoulder to burp him sometimes he will snuggle in a little closer and I know that he knows that he is safe with his mommy.

We were both a little worried , and in the back of our minds were naturally nervous that maybe we would feel differently or have trouble bonding with Nathan because we did not share DNA. Well, that is crazy to think now. We could not love him anymore if we tried. Looking at his tiny face every day reminds us of the goodness of how good God has been to us!

Allow me a moment to brag:

Nathan is meeting all his milestones and then some! He grasps objects and even can twirl a spin toy by himself and you can tell he is trying and it is not a fluke. He is so strong! He has amazing head control and prefers standing on our laps and looking around than anything else. He is a great eater and sleeper and in general a very happy baby. He wakes up smiling and it brightens our day with all the cute things he does! 

It all began in 1902....

It all began in 1902 as far as we know. My great aunt on my dad's side was baptized in a simple baptismal gown adorned only with some pieces of lace and clearly intricately handmade. A few years later, my Grandmother used the same gown as was likely the custom of the day. In those days, there was likely not any money to use a different gown even if the desire was there.

Somehow, my Grandmother was able to keep the gown and as her own children were born, used that same gown. She passed the gown down to her kids when they had children and all of my cousins, my sister and I were baptized in that same gown.

My baptism 1976

Somehow, slowly it became a tradition in our family to use this gown. My oldest cousin is the keeper of the gown and whenever someone needs it they get it from her and return it to her. When my sister had her kids, they too were baptized in the same gown.

My nephew Alex's baptism 1999

Fast forward to this year. We knew we wanted to baptized Nathan as soon as we could and we knew we had to use this gown. It has come to mean so much in our family. To know that 4 generations of my dad's family have worn this same gown means so much. It means that as a family, we have remained steadfast in our faith, humbly asking the church to baptize our children. At the same time, we know that those in our family that have gone before us wore this same gown. Having Nathan wear this gown allowed my dad, who passed away in 2005, to play a role in his baptism. Even though Nathan does not share DNA with my dad, together they will share this faith which is so near and dear to us. And, together they have come forward in the same gown to be welcomed into the church. 

We are so blessed to have our beautiful faith, and this beautiful gown.

Nathan's baptism day. In our family pic, 4 of us have also worn this gown. 

Nathaniel James Wayne DeLara

He's finally here! After all the long waiting, wondering and praying, our son was born on July 18th. I thought I would take a few moments (while I have it) to write down the story of his birth. Here it is:

I was in constant contact with Nathan's birth mom leading up to his birth so when I didn't hear from her on July 17th, I got concerned. I decided to send the lawyers office we are working with a quick email as they told us to contact them with any worries we had throughout the process. I sent off a quick email and expected to hear that all was well. Instead, I got a phone call. It was the lawyers assistant telling me that Nathan's birth dad called and that it was time. Nathan's birth mom was in labor! I was in shock. I waited and waited for this moment to come, I didn't know what to do first. I quickly called Jim to tell him the news. I think he was in shock too because he told me that he needed to get done a couple things at work before we left. I told him he was not allowed and it was go time! After I hung up with Jim I got a call back from the lawyer saying there was confusion as to whether or not the birth mom was in labor or whether she was just dehydrated. She hadn't been admitted yet, so we should hold tight. I had been frantically researching the next available flights so I put that on hold and let Jim know he may have some time to get that stuff done after all. Well, less than an hour later, I got a call that she was indeed in labor and we should get on the next plane.

Less than 4 hours later, we were on a plane. There are barely any direct flights to Jacksonville so we had to take a connecting flight through Atlanta. I picked the first available flight and had no idea at the time that the second leg of our flight was first class seats! It saved us some money because our bags were free and we managed to be one of the first people off the plane in Jacksonville. We will always be able to tell Nathan that we flew first class to meet him. Each time we landed we texted the birth dad for updates. We were convinced that we would miss the birth. When we landed in Jacksonville, we found out that we didn't miss the birth and that she was still only about 4 cm dilated. We got to the hospital about midnight and sat around and waited. When it became clear not much would happen for the night we all tried to get some sleep (some of us more successful than others...I didn't sleep more than an hour). Jim and I managed somehow to sleep on this tiny couch together while the birth dad slept in a chair.

Morning broke and Nathan's birth mom was still only about 7-8 cm dilated. During this time of waiting I learned that Nathan's birth mom wanted us to be the first ones to see and hold Nathan and she wanted me to cut the umbilical cord. Nathan's birth mom was in more and more pain and it seemed like all of a sudden a nurse said that it was time and about 10 people ushered into the room. Jim didn't want to watch the birth but I did....The actual pushing was extremely quick. I am pretty sure it was only about 3 pushes and Nathan was out. It was amazing to watch! He had the cord wrapped around his neck, but as soon as they took that off he let out a big cry. I cut the umblical cord and it was not at all what I expected it to be like (it was really tough to cut through!!)  They brought Nathan over to the little side warmer and Jim and I were crying. I looked back at Nathan's birth mom and she was crying as well. We locked eyes and I mouthed "Thank you" to her. She nodded and smiled. She told me later that moment will forever be etched in her memory seeing us meet our son for the first time.

Nathan's birth mom was also gracious enough to let me have the second hospital wristband that they usually give to dad's. Because I had the band, I could go with Nathan to the nursery, where he could be weighed, measured and bathed. It was so great to have those moments with him. I was texting Jim the results of his weight and measurements as I got them and he shared them with the birth parents as well. Jim was able to feed him his first bottle and we were all able to love on him.

At about 7 that night Jim and I left went to go back to the hotel to give the birth parents some time with their son. I am glad they had that whole night alone to love on him and take pictures. Early the next morning we came back and spent some time with the birth parents and little Nathan. The birth mom asked me if I would stay with her that night to help care for Nathan and I was so touched that she did. I gladly said yes! That night the birth mom had me do all the feeding and changing. She wanted me to be able to experience being his mom even while he was still at that point technically hers.

The next day, Nathan's birth mom was being discharged so our lawyer came to the hospital so she could sign the termination of parental rights. Jim and I knew this would be a difficult time not just for us, but for her as well. She was trying to be strong but we could see how hard this was going to be for her. She told us though, that she knows in heart that Nathan will have a life with us that she could never give him. I am forever grateful to her, for her selflessness and maturity to realize this.

Sometimes you hear people say, "They must not love that baby because if they did they wouldn't place the baby for adoption". Nothing could be further from the truth. Nathan's birth parents loved him enough to give him a life that they were unable to give.

We have an open adoption, so we will continue to stay in touch with them via text, phone calls, letters and visits. Nathan will always know how much they love him and we hope he always feels that he has two sets of parents that love him so much!

Things you learn....

As I began researching the whole adoption process, a few things really surprised me. The biggest surprise was that adoptive moms have the ability to breastfeed. I never knew that was possible, but it is. They may not be able to provide all the nutrients for their baby but they can produce some milk. I always thought you needed to be pregnant for that, but apparently not. There are many methods for women who want to induce lactation. One of them is to take herbs and get a hospital grade breast pump and start pumping.

Unfortunately, due to some issues I have and some medication I am on, I have been advised by my doctor not to breastfeed. It made me really sad, until I started researching bottle feeding. In this world where you are almost demonized if you do not try to breastfeed, there is not a lot of information out there on bottle feeding. What I learned though, is that a very real connection can happen with bottle-feeding as well as breast feeding.

We have already met with a pediatrician and he assured us that our baby will get all they need from formula and while it is not perfect, it is a more than suitable form of nutrition. This is such a personal choice for not just adoptive moms, but all moms. What moms have in common though, is they are doing what they and their pediatrician feel is best for their babies.  It has taken me awhile with being okay to let go of the sadness that I have that I will be unable to breastfeed. But, like everything else in adoption, it may be different and that is okay.

Some women obtain donated breast milk. While there are some benefits to this, as antibodies in breast milk are valuable, we ultimately decided against this after much research. Unless someone we know donates milk to us, we will stick to formula feeding. The way women who wish to get donated milk do so, is largely through facebook sites where other women donate their extra milk. The problem with this is the milk is not regulated and it is impossible to know what the women donating are eating, drinking or smoking. So because of this, we will stick to formula which provides consistent nutrition.

The one thing I know for sure, is that the most important thing that our child can get is adequate nutrition and a copious amount of  love, and I know that we can provide that in spades.

Patience is a virtue....

I have never really been a patient person. You would think by now, I would be a master at the virtue of patience. I mean, it took years for me to find Jim and get married. It took us a couple years of trying to be patient for God to reveal His plan for us regarding children. It took a total of 7 months to be matched from the start of our home study and, now we are waiting for the expectant mom to go into labor. We are a day from her due date. Well, her first due date anyway. For various reasons, she had very little prenatal care early on in the pregnancy and so dating the pregnancy has been difficult. She has had 2 due dates given to her. That second due date is (GULP!) August 3rd!

Our lawyer and our expectant mom are pretty sure the first due date is a lot closer to reality than the second one, but we are having a hard time being patient. Not knowing whether we will  have to get up and run to the airport in a few days, a few weeks or over a month from now is very trying on our emotions. We realize that if I were expecting we would have a due date that would simply be an estimate of the day the baby would be born. But, in that case there is usually a couple week window where you can expect the baby to come. And even if there was a longer wait, we would be right there when the baby was born. But, the fact that we live so far from the expectant mom and have to hop on a plane is a lot different. It doesn't help that we are only getting snippets of information regarding her doctors appointments and that  is also frustrating. 

People are telling us we should just take this time to sleep, go on dates and get stuff done around the house. We are doing all of those things and are grateful for the time. But, we are just so excited about the possibility of having a child join our family that we just want it to happen now! Especially since we know this is not a sure thing. There is always a small chance that the expectant mom can choose to parent her child. While we are trying not to dwell on this and are pretty sure she is confident in her decision, but our impatient minds and hearts are just wanting all of that to be behind us so we can hopefully be holding our baby soon.

We know in the end though that God's timing is always perfect and when He chooses for the baby to come is when it will come. Also, we are pretty sure  He thinks we need a bit more work on being patient.

Why you should never tell anyone to "Just Adopt"...and an update from us...

When we felt God calling us to start the adoption process, we knew it would be hard but we never knew how much of an emotional roller coaster it would be. But, since we felt God calling, we proceeded enthusiastically with the adoption. However, the emotional aspect of adoption is not one that is talked about often, so I wanted to take a moment to talk a little about the emotions of everything we have gone through thus far.

I remember when we started our home study I felt overwhelmed and scared. I was scared that somehow we would not be approved to adopt and the call we felt we heard from God would be unanswered by things not in our control. But, alas we passed the home study and then we began the wait to be matched.

When we were in that phase, I remember feeling I could not be more anxious if I tried. I remember putting our hearts on the line as situation after situation came to us. When we got 'no's' I remembered feeling rejected and dejected. While I was excited to adopt, the process seemed so daunting. We didn't know if we would ever hear a 'yes'.

I remember the day in late March when I got an email that an expectant mom who we had presented to had liked our profile and wanted to talk to us. I was elated! I called Jim at work and we were both so excited. But that elation soon turned to fear. We were going to talk to the expectant mom the next day. Would she like us? What should we say? Thankfully all went well and our nervousness and fear soon turned to relief.

When we met the expectant parents I was equally nervous. As things get closer to the due date I have found myself becoming more and more anxious. (While Jim is still calm which is so unlike him). I am realizing that this upcoming time is when "the rubber meets the road" so to speak. This is when she could change her mind after all of our investment in this baby and this family.

This past weekend, we had a bit of a scare related to the expectant mom's pregnancy. We were told she was in the hospital and may have to deliver that day. We soon learned that things stabilized and things turned out to be fine, but Jim and I realized how crazy the moment will be where we have to drop everything and get on the next flight to Florida.We also realized how hard it is to be in Minnesota when things like this hospitalization are happening in Florida. This weekend, for a few hours we were contemplating flying out to be with her and spent some time researching flights. It helped me become more prepared by packing the bag for the baby (which I hadn't done yet because I thought we would have a few more weeks before I had to worry about that) and I have even started to pack for us. Hopefully, if we need to, we could be out the door in under and hour heading to the airport without forgetting anything major. The emotions this weekend were unreal though. We felt fear, excitement, worry, shock. Pretty much name an emotion and we felt it.

We know that soon we will be dealing with many more intense emotions. When we meet this baby we will feel love and joy, and will spend time hoping and praying this child will be ours. If the expectant mom signs the forms which terminate her rights, we will feel conflicting emotions. We cannot imagine what that moment would be like for anyone in her situation, and will be feeling for her and the grief she will undoubtedly experience. But, we will be elated at the same time that we will now have a child that we have so longed for, prayed for and already love.

All of this, brings me to the title of this post. Often times, when couples are experiencing infertility, some well meaning friends and families may think they are helping by saying "Just adopt", as if adopting an infant is as easy as adopting a puppy. Clearly, by all the emotions we have experienced and things we have gone through to get to this point, we know it is not. I know I will never tell anyone to just adopt without giving them the in's and out's of the process. In fact, what I have heard most often when sharing the process of adoption from people is, "I had no idea it was so difficult."

But, we go through all of this because we know at the end of all of this, there is a child who needs us and that is the most important thing of all. One that God has had a hand in sending us. We hold onto that as we move forward in our waiting for our expectant mom to deliver.

Weekend to remember

I know I haven't written in awhile, but life has been a bit crazy! From putting a crib together (we didn't argue at all!) to scoring some great consignment things we have been busy preparing our lives for a baby. We have been in constant contact with the expectant parents and have loved the way our relationship is developing. In fact, this past weekend we headed to Florida to meet them.

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I couldn't help but have crazy thoughts running through my mind like "What if she sees us and hates us" or "What if she thinks we are annoying and changes her mind". The day we met them, I was nervous ALL morning. Jim, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically calm. I kept asking him why he wasn't nervous. He told me he felt that they are going to scrutinize me more as I will be a stay at home. Gee thanks for calming my nerves, Jim!

Out of respect for the expectant parents I will not go into great detail about the events of the trip, but I will say that when we met, we embraced and felt like we had known each other forever. We hadn't talked much to the expectant dad so I was almost more nervous to meet him, but he was super sweet and kind. We spent over 7 hours with them and got to know quite a bit about them and they got to know more about us.

On Mother's Day weekend we found out what the expectant mom was having (we are keeping it off facebook for now). The expectant mom told us previously that she did not have a preference for names but we insisted that we wanted her to have a small part of the name so we asked her to come up with a middle name we could use as the baby's second middle name. She gave us a suggestion but told us that if we decided not to use it we would not be offended. Well, she asked us while we were together if we had decided on a name yet for the baby now that we knew the sex. We shared the name with her and she cried when we told her the name as we are indeed using that name that means so much to her.

We also went to the beach with the expectant parents. I had never been to the Atlantic Ocean before (I have been to the Pacific though) and so I was so excited to spend time at the beach. We walked along the shore and took some pictures. It was a picture perfect day. We ended our time with them with dinner. It was such a great weekend and we felt that having met them a lot of our fears dissipated. We still realize that there is always a chance that expectant parents will change their mind, but we are choosing to not spend this last month (her due date is June 21st) not living in fear, but embracing the experience of preparing for a baby.

To this end, we are headed to Canada this weekend to attend a baby shower my mom and sister are throwing for us. Every adoptive parent-to-be feels differently about baby showers. Some prefer to not have a shower before the baby is here, and others embrace the whole experience of a traditional baby shower. We decided to split the difference. On Jim's side of the family, we will be having a 'long distance baby shower' beforehand but will have an official 'meet the baby' party after the baby is with us. We are excited to celebrate with family and friends,  and we figure even if this expectant mom changes her mind, we will eventually be rematched and need lots of baby items.

Words cannot express how grateful we are to family and friends for supporting us! We look forward to celebrating with all of them in the near future.

Reality sets in....

    
It has been about 2 weeks since we have been matched with the expectant mom who chose us. We never thought that day would come and once it arrived we were in shock. We couldn't believe that someone would actually pick us! Quickly that shock turned to elation, followed by fear. In fact, we continue to swing between those two emotions almost on a daily basis. We are doing our absolute best to trust in God and to have more happy moments than fearful ones. But, we can't help but know that there is a possibility that the expectant mom could choose to parent her child in the end. This became real for us when we signed our adoption agreement which stated all the risks that come with adoption. We had to acknowledge that there is a very real possibility we could come away with no child in the end. It is important to know all of the risks with adoption, but to recognize that the possible rewards outweigh all those risks.

In the meantime, we are trying out the whole 'expectant parent' thing. At first all of our energies had been focused on becoming pregnant. Then when we felt God call us to adoption (and all the paperwork that came with it) we focused on each step. Now, for the first time, we have to think like  expectant parents. Most expectant parents get 9 months to read parenting books, to register for gifts and to wrap their head around the fact that a tiny human will soon be living with them. Jim and I get about 2.5 months to be expectant parents (if all goes according to plan). It is entering into a world we never dared to dream was possible and it is a tad overwhelming. Yesterday, we stopped into Buy Buy Baby to look at cribs and while we were pondering which crib we liked best, the lady at the store gave us a whole tutorial on crib mattresses. I would have never dreamed in a million years there were so many choices. We have also started registering for things. My mom babysat kids for pretty much all of my formative years, and I was pretty involved in my nephews childhood, but so many new inventions for babies have been invented since then! It is quite overwhelming!

I have also been doing my part to try to save money on all this baby stuff as we will likely have to pick up a lot of it ourselves. I am on the hunt at garage sales and am going to a consignment baby event in a couple weeks. It is still a weird feeling to be in the world of 'baby'.

Also in the past couple weeks we have started a great friendship between us and the expectant parents. We already admire them so much and care so much for them! Many people think it is weird to want to have a relationship with one another, but we plan on remaining in contact with the expectant mom even after the baby is placed with us. Research shows that a more open adoption allows better closure and healing for the expectant parents and it also allows the child to have a greater sense of identity and feeling of belonging.

We will meet them next month and we are all really excited to meet one another. We hope that they will be able to see the love Jim and I have for each other and for God. We hope they will be able to see how much we care about them and how much we will care about this child. We continue to wait in joyful hope for all of these things!

6 is our new lucky number...

So a couple weeks ago we submitted our names to be considered for our sixth situation. We had become sort of numb to the process. We seemed to just be throwing our hat in the ring and hoping for the best.

Well, on Monday, I was talking to my mom on the phone when I decided to check my cell phone (I love to multi-task) and noticed an email from the case manager of the attorney's office we had submitted our profile to. I was expecting this to be our 6th "no". But instead, my eyes scanned the email and I had to stop everything. The email said that this expectant mom liked our profile and wanted to set up a phone call with us the following day! I couldn't believe it. I told my mom quickly and hung up to try to get ahold of Jim. Of course, he was not answering his work phone. So I texted him "Call me!" He called shortly after and I shared the good news.

I spoke with the case manager the next day and she gave me the phone number of the expectant mom. We set a time for us to call her later in the evening. Jim and I were freaking out all through dinner waiting for the allotted time to call. The case worker told me that this expectant mom was not shy and there was not likely to be any awkward silences. We were so happy to hear that!

We called at the allotted time. To say we were nervous is an understatement! After a few tense minutes of phone trouble, we were able to talk to her for about 20 minutes. She was very personable and loved our profile. She told us all the things she liked about us and at the end of the call she told us that she was sure we were the right couple to parent her child.

We are a match! Because we want to respect the expectant mom as much as possible a lot of information will not be shared on here.  So I am not going to go into detail about the expectant mom other than to say she that she is the most amazing, selfless women we have ever met. She due at the end of June and we will find out whether it is a boy or a girl on the 22nd of this month.

Of course, we realize that just because we are matched, this doesn't mean this is a done deal. The expectant mom can change her mind at any time. But, we are trying our best to live in hope. Our biggest wish is that what is best for this child will be done. In the mean time, we will live in the hope that this may eventually be our child and start to prepare our home and hearts for a new child to arrive in a few months.

Thanks to everyone for all your love, support, and prayers that have gotten us this far in the process. We would appreciate your continued prayers that God's will be done in this situation and please continue to pray for us, this child and this expectant mom.

Fiat

Today is the Feast of the Annunciation. This day in the church calendar is set aside to honor Mary for her Fiat, her yes to God. In case you forgot here is the Gospel:

Luke 1:26-38

The Angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin's name was Mary. And coming to her he said, "Hail, full of grace! The Lord is with you."
But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then, the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his Kingdom there will be no end."
But Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?" And the angel said to her in reply, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God." Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word." Then the angel departed from her.

As I was reflecting on this reading today, I began to reflect and pray about this reading in a different way than before. Today, I focused on the YES that Mary said so freely and without hesitation.

No one would really blame her for telling the angel that she needed to think awhile on this, and needed some time to process all that was happening to her. But she didn't. She accepted her role with love and devotion to God.

I wish I could say in my life, I have been like Mary but in reality I haven't been. More often than not, I go kicking and screaming toward my yes. Even if I get pretty clear signs, I still often times want to be comfortable; to not step outside of my little box.

But as I looked at this reading today in the context of the adoption process I recognized the yeses we have already given. Even though sometimes we go kicking and screaming to those yeses I noticed that we have said yes many times.  We said YES to God when he put it on our hearts to adopt knowing the mounds of paperwork and questions about our lives that awaited us. We said YES to God when we accepted his will in our lives to adopt a child. We say YES to God when we give our yes to situations that months ago would have scared us. We say YES to God when we continue to be open to life, because all things are possible with God.

And, I pray that we will continue to say yes. I pray we will say YES to love our child, whenever they come to us and love them unconditionally and be a reflection of God's love for us. And, that we will say YES to teach our child the faith and pass down on all the good values that were passed down to us. That we will say YES to the sacrifices we will make as parents. That we will say YES to teaching our child about their biological families and share with them the love that they have for them.

We never know how our YES will change our lives and the lives of others. Mary's YES changed the course of history. Her yes, is a vital part of salvation history.

When we continue to say yes, we can't be guaranteed what fruit will come from it. But we can trust that if God leads us to something he will see us through it.

How will you say YES today?

It's not you, it's me....

As we started the adoption process, I anticipated a roller coaster of emotions. I was prepared for disappointment, sadness, fear, happiness and joy. The emotion I never really considered in the whole equation however was rejection. "Rejection?", you may ask. "Why rejection?"

Well, as I write this we have just received our 5th 'no'. Intellectually, I know that the expectant parents looking at our profile were not rejecting us, but rather connected in some way to another couple better. However, it doesn't stop me from thinking the following:

"Maybe they think we are too old..."
"Maybe they think we don't look fun enough..."
"Maybe we seem too religious to them..."
"Maybe we need to go on diets..."
"Maybe they don't like my crooked teeth..."
"Maybe they don't like that I am Canadian..."
"Maybe they don't like that we live far away from our families..."

The list is really endless. It is hard not to think that there must be something wrong with us that makes them not choose us to be parents for their children. I realize it is extremely hard to "get to know" someone in limited pages of pictures and text. I know if I were in their situation, I am not sure I could pick one family over another. As I was pondering this I remembered something that helped me clarify things.

Right before I met Jim, I started seeing a guy locally who seemed perfect for me. He checked almost all of the boxes I was looking for in a man. I had met him online, because working at a church doesn't really give you a ton of prospects (especially when your co-workers are priests and married women and men). So, in looking at his profile he seemed perfect. We shared the same faith, he was involved in his church, he was close to his family. All big pluses! We talked online for a bit and decided to meet for coffee. Well, despite all of the ways he seemed perfect, we had absolutely no chemistry. I stuck it out for a few more dates and he dutifully called me every night. I knew I had to end it when I came to dread the phone ringing. Finally, I had to give him the cliché line "Its not you, it's me."

I realized that when Jim came along he too checked those same boxes but something in him resonated with me that did not with the other man. I am beginning to realize that our profile and the profile of other adoptive parents are sort of the same. Something about a couple will jump out at the expectant mom and she will know that a set of parents need to be the parents of her child. The reasons are as unique as the couple and the expectant mom. Sometimes it is that they like how loving a couple looks, or that a couple has pets. Sometimes it is they think that a family member looks like them, or sometimes they just like the house the couple lives in. There is really no telling what will jump out at them.

It makes it easier to think that we are not being rejected, but rather we are waiting for the right chemistry with an expectant mom We can only be who we are and we feel our profile really reflects our life together. Something in our profile will resonate with her. We hope that happens very soon!

What I didn't realize....

We knew that once we started this adoption process, we would be on a steep learning curve. In just a few short months, we have learned so much about the adoption process. While still waiting to be home study approved I was well versed in the process of adoption. It rolled off my tongue every time I said it. "First," I would say, "we get a situation and get to learn about the expectant mom (and sometimes dad) and her circumstances and then we decide whether we want her to see our profile. Then, she chooses amongst the profiles. If she chooses us, we are a match."

I even knew that we may have to hear many 'no's' from expectant mothers before we would hear a yes. I tried to mentally prepare myself as much as I could. But, as I stated in a previous blog, it is hard not to get your hopes up. We recently received our 4th "no". While it never gets easier to hear that, you do learn to be more realistic about your chances each time.

One thing I didn't realize, however, was how hard it would be to decide not to have our profile shown to expectant parents. We have gotten about 25 situations since we began this process. I didn't expect to have such a hard time with it, even though we knew we were prayerfully discerning. It sort of makes you feel like a horrible person sometimes to say you do not want to be presented to a certain situation. Part of discernment though, has to include the variables of our lives in light of each situation. We have to take into consideration that we have no family close by, we will be older parents etc.

It still is hard, though, to not feel like you are rejecting these babies; these expectant parents. We have realized though, that we are not meant to be the parents of all of these babies. Maybe, we are meant to pray for the expectant moms and their babies through all these situations and pray they find loving parents for their children.

We continue to pray for all of these moms and babies and pray for our own situation, that we may soon find an expectant mom who thinks we are the perfect match for her and her baby.

"I have a friend..."

You have heard it. You have maybe even said it. It goes something like this:



"I have a friend who could not get pregnant and they adopted a baby and immediately got pregnant."



Variations on this are, "Just start the adoption paperwork, you will get pregnant" or "I heard that if you adopt you will get pregnant".



In fact, I am pretty sure I uttered something along these lines at one point or another in my life to people adopting. It seems so helpful to give that person some hope, right? Well, no not really. Why? Well, 4 reasons, really.



1. You have no idea what kind of ability that person has to get pregnant.

The only reason you would be mentioning this at all, is that you feel that one day this couple may in fact get pregnant. Well, I know people who can never have children because they have had a hysterectomy or were born without a uterus. I know others who suffer from major health issues which makes having children much less likely, like Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Endometriosis or Premature Ovarian Failure. Or, I know other couples who suffer from male infertility. By telling them to essentially just 'keep the faith' and 'relax' , it is not changing their medical conditions which makes becoming pregnant a challenge.


2. Not everyone that is adopting is doing so because they cannot get pregnant.


Yes, the majority of couples are turning to adoption because they cannot have a child biologically but that is not the only reason people adopt.


3. Most couples who are adopting are genuinely excited about it, and have mourned any infertility issues they have.


Couples are genuinely excited to add a new addition to their family. When someone tells them about someone who got pregnant it is almost inflating that balloon. It is almost saying "Its ok, soon you will have a 'real' baby". We know that is not what is intended in the statement, but that is what it sounds like to those who hear it. An adopted child is not a 'placeholder baby'. It is a wanted, loved real child who everyone should be excited about.


4. Statistics show that 3-10% of couples go on to have babies biologically after adoption.


Not only is that not a lot, but the statistics of a couple suffering from infertility having a biological child at any time (having adopted or not) is 3-10%. So, in reality adopting has nothing to do with ones ability to get pregnant or not. It will not make you 'relax' or 'calm down' enough to have a biological child.


Again, I admit I was as guilty of buying into the myth that when people adopt they are more likely to get pregnant. But, now that I have been on the receiving end of hearing these stories, it doesn't really feel helpful at all. We are so excited to adopt that we are not constantly thinking of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, if we got pregnant that would be welcomed, but our main focus right now is adopting a baby that we know God has meant just for us.

So even though people say this with the best of intentions and we realize that, what is most helpful to us is to hear "We are praying for you" or "We can't wait to meet your little one". We so appreciate all the love and support of all of our friends and family and we are so blessed to have all of you in our lives.

Living on the edge...

Jim and I are simple people. We don't like a lot of change in our life, and we love consistency. But, clearly, God is calling us to constantly step out of our comfort zones. He started that for Jim, when he decided to write to me 5 years ago, despite me living 12 hours away. It started for me, when I wrote back and started to wonder what it would mean for us, if this relationship worked out. Originally on my Catholic Match profile, I had written I was not open to relocating. I liked my life the way it was. I had good friends and family and they were extremely important to me. Eventually, God spoke to me in prayer and I realized that if the right person lived far away, then I must follow that path. God was, in effect, leading me "to places I do not want to go". He was changing my heart. And, well, you know the rest of the story. I now live in Minnesota, a state I couldn't point out correctly on a map 5 years ago.

God continues to change us. He strengthened our marriage as we battled infertility. He forced us to rely on Him and one another, while the way our family was to grow was uncertain. He forced us out of our comfort zones to endure testing we didn't feel like being tested for. He worked on our hearts to turn them toward adoption. And now, he continues to work on us as we wait for our family to grow.

The last couple weeks, he made clear to us that while we wait, we must be ready for quick change! We had heard of a situation of a baby boy who was already born. We put our names in for consideration, and waited for this boys mom to make a decision. Have you ever been in a wait where your whole life could change with little notice? It is not exactly anyone's comfort zone. We did not (and still do not) have a baby room ready. In fact, the room we will be using as a baby's room is still Jim's office.

As we waited, we prayed for that expectant mom, that she would make a decision that was best for her son. Ultimately, after over a week of being in limbo, we found out we were not chosen. But, God continues to show us that when we step back into our comfort zone, he will remind us that things happen in His time, not ours.

We are confident that God will match us with a child that will be ours, when the timing is right. In the meantime we pray for all of the expectant moms who are considering adoption for their children. If you can, will you pray for them too?

Frequently Asked Questions...

So throughout this process, there has been a lot to learn. Before Jim and I started, we really knew very little about adoption. And, the truth is, most people do not know that much because there is no reason for them to. So, naturally we have been answering a lot of questions about the process. I thought I would write a blog post addressing some of these questions. So here we go!

What type of adoption are you doing?
There are three main types of adoption. International, domestic infant and foster-adopt. All have pros and cons, but Jim and I decided early on that domestic infant adoption is the path we wanted to take. So, all of these answers are specific to domestic infant adoption.

Will you get a newborn?
Most likely yes. We have been approved for a newborn and we will likely get to either be at the birth of the child, or arrive shortly after they have been born.

You keep mentioning working with a consultant. What is that about?
Within domestic adoption, there are different routes you can take. The majority of people sign on with an agency and are put on their waiting lists. Others work with an adoption attorney and are put on their waiting list. Current studies show the national average wait time to be matched with a child is 2 years. Consultants do many things but one of the benefits of working with them (besides their support and guidance through the process) is that they work with many agencies and attorneys. This multi-agency approach allows you to have many more opportunities than you would have by signing on with an agency or attorney alone. We are using Christian Adoption Consultants and their wait time to be matched on average is 10 months as opposed to 2 years.

Will you adopt in Minnesota?
Probably not. Each state has different laws when it comes to adoption. One of the things they can specify is how long an expectant mom has to decide whether she wants to parent her child, after the birth of that child. These times vary widely. Some states have 12-72 hours and other have many days (sometimes in excess of many months) to decide whether they want to stick with their adoption plan or parent their child. Minnesota's law states they have 10 days. While it is every mom's right to decide to parent their child and we would not fault them in the least for doing so, we also can't imagine having a child that we believe to be ours for many months only to have to give them back to their biological parents. So, because of this, our consultants only work with agencies and attorneys in the states that have the 12-72 hours before revocation takes place. Some of these states include Florida, Utah and Texas. Because we will be adopting out of state, we need to stay within that state while paperwork is passed between the state we adopt from and the state we live in. This means the first couple weeks of the babies life will be spent in their state and we will likely be in a hotel room or a vacation rental for that time.

Once you are matched with an expectant mom, how long will it be before the baby is born?
While this can vary widely, generally most agencies and attorneys do not match prospective parents with their expectant moms until that mom is in her late 2nd trimester or early 3rd trimester. Some get matched earlier, but the risk of the match falling through increases greatly. Also, sometimes expectant moms decide to make an adoption plan after the birth of their baby and if that happens you literally hop on the next plane to go and meet your baby. So, you really have to be prepared for anything.

How often do expectant moms change their mind and decide to parent their child?
The national average is somewhere around 15% of the time. Our consultants do their best to weigh the risks before sending us any situations and we get a chance to identify any potential red flags in a situation as well. But, you never truly know what will happen so as prospective adoptive parents there is a lot of trying to guard your heart until revocation papers are signed.

How much do adoptions cost?
Adoption is expensive. I always laugh when people tell couples struggling with fertility issues to 'just adopt'. In reality, many people cannot afford domestic infant adoption because of the large costs and fees associated with it. But, on average adoption costs run anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000. I want to note that these fees are for the agency/attorney and any medical expenses the expectant mom may have. No one 'buys a baby' when they adopt. They pay fees to facilitate the adoption process.

What are the proper terms I should use when it comes to adoption and why?
It is important when speaking of adoption you use positive language, not only for the benefit of the adopted children, but to honor and respect their biological parents as well.  In general it is best to try to avoid using terms such as "given up for adoption" or "their parents gave them up". These terms make it seem like their biological parents did not care for them and that is so far from the truth. So instead we use will tell our child that their biological parents made an adoption plan. This is much more positive and true to the experience.

Also, it is important to honor their biological parents by referring to them as expectant parents. They have not fully decided what they are going to do until they sign revocation papers. After that time, the appropritate words to use are birth parents or first parents. In the other spectrum, once revocation happens adoptive parents should be simply referred to as parents. Once the adoption is finalized those parents will be the child's parents not only lawfully but in all other ways as well.  Some people are tempted to use the term "real" parents when referring to biological parents, but in reality both sets of parents are the child's real parents.

What can we do to help?
The most important thing you can do is pray for us, all expectant parents considering an adoption plan and our future child. Also, we are excited about this process so asking us about it is not intrusive to us. However, if it takes a while for us to be matched, try not to ask us why it is taking so long. Instead ask us how we are doing with the wait and tell us you are praying for us.

Will it be worth it?
Most definitely! I have gotten to know a few people who have been through the same road we are on and have their children with them and what they all say is that every hard moment is worth finding the child meant for you.

The long and winding road....and wait....

As most of you know for the past two years, Jim and I have been trying to start a family. Throughout the process we have remained open to life and were praying for God's will to be done when it comes to children. In the last 6 months, our hearts have turned to adoption. We had talked about adoption before we were married, and felt that this is something we would be open to in our marriage. So, we were excited to take the leap to start our home study process in September, and in December we were ready to start to be shown to expectant moms.

One thing we were not prepared for was the roller coaster ride we would be on once we started this part of the process. The way things work for us is that we receive information on expectant moms and we decide whether or not we would like to have them view our profile. We are working with a consultant who works with many different agencies in different states so things have moved very quickly. Right away, we got 5 or 6 situations to consider. Of those, we decided to have our profile shown to one of the moms. We knew the chances were slim that we would be chosen, as expectant moms view many profiles when making their decision. We were not totally prepared to hear the news on Christmas Eve that we were not chosen to be parents for this particular child. It was difficult to hear this news as we were on our way to Mass. It was a difficult Mass to get through. One thing you don't expect is to fall in love a little bit with the expectant mom and her unborn child. A match generally happens when the expectant mom is in her third trimester, so there is not a lot of time to prepare if you are a match. You can't help but have your mind go to what it would be like to bring that child home in the next couple months.

Only two days later, we received another situation that we felt was right for our family, and so we asked to have our profile shown to this birth mom as well. I promised myself that I would not be as invested this time, but it was hard not to do so. We found out on New Year's Eve that we were not a match for this particular child either. It was definitely not the way we were hoping to spend New Year's Eve, but I know that for whatever reason, this child was meant for another family.

So, we continue in the wait. We have not been presented a situation since then that we felt was right for our family. The wait is difficult, especially when in a larger sense, we have been waiting for over two years. Our consultant has mentioned time and time again that God's timing is always perfect and that is something I keep trying to remember, that, when the time is right, our child will come to us. And, we will most definitely welcome them with the most open arms possible.

We have been so lucky to have great support from family and friends. We live in a weird existence where we are expectant parents, but not in the way society expects us to be. My body is not changing, I am not experiencing morning sickness, but in a very real way I am an expectant mom. Unlike pregnant women though, we have no idea how long it will be until our little one arrives. But, we are so happy that our family and friends have helped us to feel like typical expectant parents. For Christmas, friends and family showered us with onesies, diapers and wipes, toys, blankets, socks, hats, washcloths, pacifiers etc. It was so nice for them to realize that we will need all of these things on hand as we could have very little warning when we go to pick up our child. We are so grateful for the love of all of them!

We would also appreciate prayers as we continue in this journey and this wait.

God Bless,
Lisa

P.S. - Often when couples who have suffered infertility start the adoption process they hear repeatedly something like "Oh, now you will get pregnant...I have a friend who had this happen". While we appreciate hearing the stories of friends and family who were able to go on and have biological children, our goal is to start a family and we are not adopting so we can get pregnant. In fact, only 5-15% of couples ever go one to have children biologically after adoption. While we continue to remain open to life and open to however God wishes us to have children, adoption is not a second choice for us. We firmly believe that this is the way that God is calling us to start a family.