It's not you, it's me....

As we started the adoption process, I anticipated a roller coaster of emotions. I was prepared for disappointment, sadness, fear, happiness and joy. The emotion I never really considered in the whole equation however was rejection. "Rejection?", you may ask. "Why rejection?"

Well, as I write this we have just received our 5th 'no'. Intellectually, I know that the expectant parents looking at our profile were not rejecting us, but rather connected in some way to another couple better. However, it doesn't stop me from thinking the following:

"Maybe they think we are too old..."
"Maybe they think we don't look fun enough..."
"Maybe we seem too religious to them..."
"Maybe we need to go on diets..."
"Maybe they don't like my crooked teeth..."
"Maybe they don't like that I am Canadian..."
"Maybe they don't like that we live far away from our families..."

The list is really endless. It is hard not to think that there must be something wrong with us that makes them not choose us to be parents for their children. I realize it is extremely hard to "get to know" someone in limited pages of pictures and text. I know if I were in their situation, I am not sure I could pick one family over another. As I was pondering this I remembered something that helped me clarify things.

Right before I met Jim, I started seeing a guy locally who seemed perfect for me. He checked almost all of the boxes I was looking for in a man. I had met him online, because working at a church doesn't really give you a ton of prospects (especially when your co-workers are priests and married women and men). So, in looking at his profile he seemed perfect. We shared the same faith, he was involved in his church, he was close to his family. All big pluses! We talked online for a bit and decided to meet for coffee. Well, despite all of the ways he seemed perfect, we had absolutely no chemistry. I stuck it out for a few more dates and he dutifully called me every night. I knew I had to end it when I came to dread the phone ringing. Finally, I had to give him the cliché line "Its not you, it's me."

I realized that when Jim came along he too checked those same boxes but something in him resonated with me that did not with the other man. I am beginning to realize that our profile and the profile of other adoptive parents are sort of the same. Something about a couple will jump out at the expectant mom and she will know that a set of parents need to be the parents of her child. The reasons are as unique as the couple and the expectant mom. Sometimes it is that they like how loving a couple looks, or that a couple has pets. Sometimes it is they think that a family member looks like them, or sometimes they just like the house the couple lives in. There is really no telling what will jump out at them.

It makes it easier to think that we are not being rejected, but rather we are waiting for the right chemistry with an expectant mom We can only be who we are and we feel our profile really reflects our life together. Something in our profile will resonate with her. We hope that happens very soon!