"I have a friend..."

You have heard it. You have maybe even said it. It goes something like this:



"I have a friend who could not get pregnant and they adopted a baby and immediately got pregnant."



Variations on this are, "Just start the adoption paperwork, you will get pregnant" or "I heard that if you adopt you will get pregnant".



In fact, I am pretty sure I uttered something along these lines at one point or another in my life to people adopting. It seems so helpful to give that person some hope, right? Well, no not really. Why? Well, 4 reasons, really.



1. You have no idea what kind of ability that person has to get pregnant.

The only reason you would be mentioning this at all, is that you feel that one day this couple may in fact get pregnant. Well, I know people who can never have children because they have had a hysterectomy or were born without a uterus. I know others who suffer from major health issues which makes having children much less likely, like Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Endometriosis or Premature Ovarian Failure. Or, I know other couples who suffer from male infertility. By telling them to essentially just 'keep the faith' and 'relax' , it is not changing their medical conditions which makes becoming pregnant a challenge.


2. Not everyone that is adopting is doing so because they cannot get pregnant.


Yes, the majority of couples are turning to adoption because they cannot have a child biologically but that is not the only reason people adopt.


3. Most couples who are adopting are genuinely excited about it, and have mourned any infertility issues they have.


Couples are genuinely excited to add a new addition to their family. When someone tells them about someone who got pregnant it is almost inflating that balloon. It is almost saying "Its ok, soon you will have a 'real' baby". We know that is not what is intended in the statement, but that is what it sounds like to those who hear it. An adopted child is not a 'placeholder baby'. It is a wanted, loved real child who everyone should be excited about.


4. Statistics show that 3-10% of couples go on to have babies biologically after adoption.


Not only is that not a lot, but the statistics of a couple suffering from infertility having a biological child at any time (having adopted or not) is 3-10%. So, in reality adopting has nothing to do with ones ability to get pregnant or not. It will not make you 'relax' or 'calm down' enough to have a biological child.


Again, I admit I was as guilty of buying into the myth that when people adopt they are more likely to get pregnant. But, now that I have been on the receiving end of hearing these stories, it doesn't really feel helpful at all. We are so excited to adopt that we are not constantly thinking of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, if we got pregnant that would be welcomed, but our main focus right now is adopting a baby that we know God has meant just for us.

So even though people say this with the best of intentions and we realize that, what is most helpful to us is to hear "We are praying for you" or "We can't wait to meet your little one". We so appreciate all the love and support of all of our friends and family and we are so blessed to have all of you in our lives.