Weekend to remember

I know I haven't written in awhile, but life has been a bit crazy! From putting a crib together (we didn't argue at all!) to scoring some great consignment things we have been busy preparing our lives for a baby. We have been in constant contact with the expectant parents and have loved the way our relationship is developing. In fact, this past weekend we headed to Florida to meet them.

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I couldn't help but have crazy thoughts running through my mind like "What if she sees us and hates us" or "What if she thinks we are annoying and changes her mind". The day we met them, I was nervous ALL morning. Jim, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically calm. I kept asking him why he wasn't nervous. He told me he felt that they are going to scrutinize me more as I will be a stay at home. Gee thanks for calming my nerves, Jim!

Out of respect for the expectant parents I will not go into great detail about the events of the trip, but I will say that when we met, we embraced and felt like we had known each other forever. We hadn't talked much to the expectant dad so I was almost more nervous to meet him, but he was super sweet and kind. We spent over 7 hours with them and got to know quite a bit about them and they got to know more about us.

On Mother's Day weekend we found out what the expectant mom was having (we are keeping it off facebook for now). The expectant mom told us previously that she did not have a preference for names but we insisted that we wanted her to have a small part of the name so we asked her to come up with a middle name we could use as the baby's second middle name. She gave us a suggestion but told us that if we decided not to use it we would not be offended. Well, she asked us while we were together if we had decided on a name yet for the baby now that we knew the sex. We shared the name with her and she cried when we told her the name as we are indeed using that name that means so much to her.

We also went to the beach with the expectant parents. I had never been to the Atlantic Ocean before (I have been to the Pacific though) and so I was so excited to spend time at the beach. We walked along the shore and took some pictures. It was a picture perfect day. We ended our time with them with dinner. It was such a great weekend and we felt that having met them a lot of our fears dissipated. We still realize that there is always a chance that expectant parents will change their mind, but we are choosing to not spend this last month (her due date is June 21st) not living in fear, but embracing the experience of preparing for a baby.

To this end, we are headed to Canada this weekend to attend a baby shower my mom and sister are throwing for us. Every adoptive parent-to-be feels differently about baby showers. Some prefer to not have a shower before the baby is here, and others embrace the whole experience of a traditional baby shower. We decided to split the difference. On Jim's side of the family, we will be having a 'long distance baby shower' beforehand but will have an official 'meet the baby' party after the baby is with us. We are excited to celebrate with family and friends,  and we figure even if this expectant mom changes her mind, we will eventually be rematched and need lots of baby items.

Words cannot express how grateful we are to family and friends for supporting us! We look forward to celebrating with all of them in the near future.

Reality sets in....

    
It has been about 2 weeks since we have been matched with the expectant mom who chose us. We never thought that day would come and once it arrived we were in shock. We couldn't believe that someone would actually pick us! Quickly that shock turned to elation, followed by fear. In fact, we continue to swing between those two emotions almost on a daily basis. We are doing our absolute best to trust in God and to have more happy moments than fearful ones. But, we can't help but know that there is a possibility that the expectant mom could choose to parent her child in the end. This became real for us when we signed our adoption agreement which stated all the risks that come with adoption. We had to acknowledge that there is a very real possibility we could come away with no child in the end. It is important to know all of the risks with adoption, but to recognize that the possible rewards outweigh all those risks.

In the meantime, we are trying out the whole 'expectant parent' thing. At first all of our energies had been focused on becoming pregnant. Then when we felt God call us to adoption (and all the paperwork that came with it) we focused on each step. Now, for the first time, we have to think like  expectant parents. Most expectant parents get 9 months to read parenting books, to register for gifts and to wrap their head around the fact that a tiny human will soon be living with them. Jim and I get about 2.5 months to be expectant parents (if all goes according to plan). It is entering into a world we never dared to dream was possible and it is a tad overwhelming. Yesterday, we stopped into Buy Buy Baby to look at cribs and while we were pondering which crib we liked best, the lady at the store gave us a whole tutorial on crib mattresses. I would have never dreamed in a million years there were so many choices. We have also started registering for things. My mom babysat kids for pretty much all of my formative years, and I was pretty involved in my nephews childhood, but so many new inventions for babies have been invented since then! It is quite overwhelming!

I have also been doing my part to try to save money on all this baby stuff as we will likely have to pick up a lot of it ourselves. I am on the hunt at garage sales and am going to a consignment baby event in a couple weeks. It is still a weird feeling to be in the world of 'baby'.

Also in the past couple weeks we have started a great friendship between us and the expectant parents. We already admire them so much and care so much for them! Many people think it is weird to want to have a relationship with one another, but we plan on remaining in contact with the expectant mom even after the baby is placed with us. Research shows that a more open adoption allows better closure and healing for the expectant parents and it also allows the child to have a greater sense of identity and feeling of belonging.

We will meet them next month and we are all really excited to meet one another. We hope that they will be able to see the love Jim and I have for each other and for God. We hope they will be able to see how much we care about them and how much we will care about this child. We continue to wait in joyful hope for all of these things!

6 is our new lucky number...

So a couple weeks ago we submitted our names to be considered for our sixth situation. We had become sort of numb to the process. We seemed to just be throwing our hat in the ring and hoping for the best.

Well, on Monday, I was talking to my mom on the phone when I decided to check my cell phone (I love to multi-task) and noticed an email from the case manager of the attorney's office we had submitted our profile to. I was expecting this to be our 6th "no". But instead, my eyes scanned the email and I had to stop everything. The email said that this expectant mom liked our profile and wanted to set up a phone call with us the following day! I couldn't believe it. I told my mom quickly and hung up to try to get ahold of Jim. Of course, he was not answering his work phone. So I texted him "Call me!" He called shortly after and I shared the good news.

I spoke with the case manager the next day and she gave me the phone number of the expectant mom. We set a time for us to call her later in the evening. Jim and I were freaking out all through dinner waiting for the allotted time to call. The case worker told me that this expectant mom was not shy and there was not likely to be any awkward silences. We were so happy to hear that!

We called at the allotted time. To say we were nervous is an understatement! After a few tense minutes of phone trouble, we were able to talk to her for about 20 minutes. She was very personable and loved our profile. She told us all the things she liked about us and at the end of the call she told us that she was sure we were the right couple to parent her child.

We are a match! Because we want to respect the expectant mom as much as possible a lot of information will not be shared on here.  So I am not going to go into detail about the expectant mom other than to say she that she is the most amazing, selfless women we have ever met. She due at the end of June and we will find out whether it is a boy or a girl on the 22nd of this month.

Of course, we realize that just because we are matched, this doesn't mean this is a done deal. The expectant mom can change her mind at any time. But, we are trying our best to live in hope. Our biggest wish is that what is best for this child will be done. In the mean time, we will live in the hope that this may eventually be our child and start to prepare our home and hearts for a new child to arrive in a few months.

Thanks to everyone for all your love, support, and prayers that have gotten us this far in the process. We would appreciate your continued prayers that God's will be done in this situation and please continue to pray for us, this child and this expectant mom.

Fiat

Today is the Feast of the Annunciation. This day in the church calendar is set aside to honor Mary for her Fiat, her yes to God. In case you forgot here is the Gospel:

Luke 1:26-38

The Angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin's name was Mary. And coming to her he said, "Hail, full of grace! The Lord is with you."
But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then, the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his Kingdom there will be no end."
But Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?" And the angel said to her in reply, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God." Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word." Then the angel departed from her.

As I was reflecting on this reading today, I began to reflect and pray about this reading in a different way than before. Today, I focused on the YES that Mary said so freely and without hesitation.

No one would really blame her for telling the angel that she needed to think awhile on this, and needed some time to process all that was happening to her. But she didn't. She accepted her role with love and devotion to God.

I wish I could say in my life, I have been like Mary but in reality I haven't been. More often than not, I go kicking and screaming toward my yes. Even if I get pretty clear signs, I still often times want to be comfortable; to not step outside of my little box.

But as I looked at this reading today in the context of the adoption process I recognized the yeses we have already given. Even though sometimes we go kicking and screaming to those yeses I noticed that we have said yes many times.  We said YES to God when he put it on our hearts to adopt knowing the mounds of paperwork and questions about our lives that awaited us. We said YES to God when we accepted his will in our lives to adopt a child. We say YES to God when we give our yes to situations that months ago would have scared us. We say YES to God when we continue to be open to life, because all things are possible with God.

And, I pray that we will continue to say yes. I pray we will say YES to love our child, whenever they come to us and love them unconditionally and be a reflection of God's love for us. And, that we will say YES to teach our child the faith and pass down on all the good values that were passed down to us. That we will say YES to the sacrifices we will make as parents. That we will say YES to teaching our child about their biological families and share with them the love that they have for them.

We never know how our YES will change our lives and the lives of others. Mary's YES changed the course of history. Her yes, is a vital part of salvation history.

When we continue to say yes, we can't be guaranteed what fruit will come from it. But we can trust that if God leads us to something he will see us through it.

How will you say YES today?

It's not you, it's me....

As we started the adoption process, I anticipated a roller coaster of emotions. I was prepared for disappointment, sadness, fear, happiness and joy. The emotion I never really considered in the whole equation however was rejection. "Rejection?", you may ask. "Why rejection?"

Well, as I write this we have just received our 5th 'no'. Intellectually, I know that the expectant parents looking at our profile were not rejecting us, but rather connected in some way to another couple better. However, it doesn't stop me from thinking the following:

"Maybe they think we are too old..."
"Maybe they think we don't look fun enough..."
"Maybe we seem too religious to them..."
"Maybe we need to go on diets..."
"Maybe they don't like my crooked teeth..."
"Maybe they don't like that I am Canadian..."
"Maybe they don't like that we live far away from our families..."

The list is really endless. It is hard not to think that there must be something wrong with us that makes them not choose us to be parents for their children. I realize it is extremely hard to "get to know" someone in limited pages of pictures and text. I know if I were in their situation, I am not sure I could pick one family over another. As I was pondering this I remembered something that helped me clarify things.

Right before I met Jim, I started seeing a guy locally who seemed perfect for me. He checked almost all of the boxes I was looking for in a man. I had met him online, because working at a church doesn't really give you a ton of prospects (especially when your co-workers are priests and married women and men). So, in looking at his profile he seemed perfect. We shared the same faith, he was involved in his church, he was close to his family. All big pluses! We talked online for a bit and decided to meet for coffee. Well, despite all of the ways he seemed perfect, we had absolutely no chemistry. I stuck it out for a few more dates and he dutifully called me every night. I knew I had to end it when I came to dread the phone ringing. Finally, I had to give him the cliché line "Its not you, it's me."

I realized that when Jim came along he too checked those same boxes but something in him resonated with me that did not with the other man. I am beginning to realize that our profile and the profile of other adoptive parents are sort of the same. Something about a couple will jump out at the expectant mom and she will know that a set of parents need to be the parents of her child. The reasons are as unique as the couple and the expectant mom. Sometimes it is that they like how loving a couple looks, or that a couple has pets. Sometimes it is they think that a family member looks like them, or sometimes they just like the house the couple lives in. There is really no telling what will jump out at them.

It makes it easier to think that we are not being rejected, but rather we are waiting for the right chemistry with an expectant mom We can only be who we are and we feel our profile really reflects our life together. Something in our profile will resonate with her. We hope that happens very soon!

What I didn't realize....

We knew that once we started this adoption process, we would be on a steep learning curve. In just a few short months, we have learned so much about the adoption process. While still waiting to be home study approved I was well versed in the process of adoption. It rolled off my tongue every time I said it. "First," I would say, "we get a situation and get to learn about the expectant mom (and sometimes dad) and her circumstances and then we decide whether we want her to see our profile. Then, she chooses amongst the profiles. If she chooses us, we are a match."

I even knew that we may have to hear many 'no's' from expectant mothers before we would hear a yes. I tried to mentally prepare myself as much as I could. But, as I stated in a previous blog, it is hard not to get your hopes up. We recently received our 4th "no". While it never gets easier to hear that, you do learn to be more realistic about your chances each time.

One thing I didn't realize, however, was how hard it would be to decide not to have our profile shown to expectant parents. We have gotten about 25 situations since we began this process. I didn't expect to have such a hard time with it, even though we knew we were prayerfully discerning. It sort of makes you feel like a horrible person sometimes to say you do not want to be presented to a certain situation. Part of discernment though, has to include the variables of our lives in light of each situation. We have to take into consideration that we have no family close by, we will be older parents etc.

It still is hard, though, to not feel like you are rejecting these babies; these expectant parents. We have realized though, that we are not meant to be the parents of all of these babies. Maybe, we are meant to pray for the expectant moms and their babies through all these situations and pray they find loving parents for their children.

We continue to pray for all of these moms and babies and pray for our own situation, that we may soon find an expectant mom who thinks we are the perfect match for her and her baby.

"I have a friend..."

You have heard it. You have maybe even said it. It goes something like this:



"I have a friend who could not get pregnant and they adopted a baby and immediately got pregnant."



Variations on this are, "Just start the adoption paperwork, you will get pregnant" or "I heard that if you adopt you will get pregnant".



In fact, I am pretty sure I uttered something along these lines at one point or another in my life to people adopting. It seems so helpful to give that person some hope, right? Well, no not really. Why? Well, 4 reasons, really.



1. You have no idea what kind of ability that person has to get pregnant.

The only reason you would be mentioning this at all, is that you feel that one day this couple may in fact get pregnant. Well, I know people who can never have children because they have had a hysterectomy or were born without a uterus. I know others who suffer from major health issues which makes having children much less likely, like Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Endometriosis or Premature Ovarian Failure. Or, I know other couples who suffer from male infertility. By telling them to essentially just 'keep the faith' and 'relax' , it is not changing their medical conditions which makes becoming pregnant a challenge.


2. Not everyone that is adopting is doing so because they cannot get pregnant.


Yes, the majority of couples are turning to adoption because they cannot have a child biologically but that is not the only reason people adopt.


3. Most couples who are adopting are genuinely excited about it, and have mourned any infertility issues they have.


Couples are genuinely excited to add a new addition to their family. When someone tells them about someone who got pregnant it is almost inflating that balloon. It is almost saying "Its ok, soon you will have a 'real' baby". We know that is not what is intended in the statement, but that is what it sounds like to those who hear it. An adopted child is not a 'placeholder baby'. It is a wanted, loved real child who everyone should be excited about.


4. Statistics show that 3-10% of couples go on to have babies biologically after adoption.


Not only is that not a lot, but the statistics of a couple suffering from infertility having a biological child at any time (having adopted or not) is 3-10%. So, in reality adopting has nothing to do with ones ability to get pregnant or not. It will not make you 'relax' or 'calm down' enough to have a biological child.


Again, I admit I was as guilty of buying into the myth that when people adopt they are more likely to get pregnant. But, now that I have been on the receiving end of hearing these stories, it doesn't really feel helpful at all. We are so excited to adopt that we are not constantly thinking of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, if we got pregnant that would be welcomed, but our main focus right now is adopting a baby that we know God has meant just for us.

So even though people say this with the best of intentions and we realize that, what is most helpful to us is to hear "We are praying for you" or "We can't wait to meet your little one". We so appreciate all the love and support of all of our friends and family and we are so blessed to have all of you in our lives.