When Nathan was born, Jim and I decided that we would wait until he was 6 months old to talk about whether or not we would adopt again, or if we were okay with the fact that Nathan may be our only child. Every once in awhile, we would try to broach the subject with each other prior to the 6 month mark. My feeling was always, "This is great! I love our little family of 3. After all, the Holy Family was only a family of 3 and look at them!" But, Jim was quick to share his desire for another child. Not just because he wanted another one, but because he wanted Nathan to have a brother or sister. I couldn't argue with that, which was why I was glad I could just table the discussion because Nathan wasn't 6 months old yet.
I wanted another child, don't get me wrong. I just wasn't really up to the task of going through the whole adoption process again. Getting fingerprinted was getting pretty old. (Especially since I had to do it multiple times for my entry to the USA) Preparing a new profile seemed daunting. Waiting to be matched seemed like it would be even more stressful this time around. I am a big planner and not knowing if we would be matched in weeks or months was not really appealing to me, especially with a young baby at home. Not to mention the financial hit it would take on us. Nathan's adoption was expensive (lets start serious discussions on why it takes astronomical amounts of money to adopt a baby, shall we?) and it would be a big financial burden if we adopted another.
We have such a great relationship with Nathan's birth mom and another concern I had was, "What if we don't have the same relationship with a new babies birth family?" "What if they wanted a closed adoption and Nathan got to know his birth family but this new baby didn't?" "What if they lived on the opposite side of the country as Nathan's birth family? Could we really commit to visiting them too?"
We talk or text (mostly text) Nathan's birth mom pretty much daily. I send pictures. I tell her about his milestones and let her know just how much his birth family means to us on a regular basis. Around Christmas time, the text messages began to not be returned. I became concerned, but I knew this could happen eventually. Experts tell of how birth parents sometimes begin to distance themselves as time goes on. I worried this would happen and it made me sad to know that we may lose touch. I was relieved about a month later to get a text from Nathan's birth mom explaining her phone had broken and she was happy to be back in contact with us. In the midst of texting, she also told us she was pregnant again. We expressed our congratulations and immediately began to wonder what this meant for us. Was she going to parent this time? Was she going to ask US to adopt this baby? Was she going to choose another family?
We didn't quite know how to ask her, so we talked around the issue for a few days and finally a window opened up where the conversation could lead to making things clear. It turned out she did want us to adopt this child too. In the few days we were talking around the issue, Jim and I were able to discuss the ins and outs of what we would do if she did ask us to adopt again. We came to the conclusion that we would be able to do so, but if she didn't ask us, we would be happy for her and make sure that Nathan knew this sibling by visiting as much as possible.
After initial conversations and securing a lawyer to handle the process, the shock began to wear off a bit and Jim and I began to realize that in this later stage of life we would soon have our hands full with two little ones about a year apart. To be honest, I am still in a bit of denial about just how busy I will be. I remember a few moms who had "Irish twins" tell me it is not for the faint of heart. Those moms at the time of their children's infanthood were at least 10-12 years younger than I am now! But, I know that we will take it a day at a time and before we can blink these two little ones will be all grown. So, in all the craziness that is to come, I want to remember that I need to savor and appreciate these times.
Last weekend, we traveled to Florida to visit Nathan's birth family for the first time since he was born. It was great that he was able to meet his two biological siblings and spend some time with his birth family. There is no mistaking that his siblings are related to him. He looks just like them! It was great to see them interact and I look forward to many more visits.
While we were there, we were able to go with Nathan's birth mom for an ultrasound to determine the sex of this baby. We were happy to find out that Nathan will have a brother. These two little boys will be the best of friends, and I predict there will be a lot of fighting and wrestling going on as well. Growing up my dad was the only male amidst us girls and now I will be the only female in my house! Guess that means I will have to savor some girlfriend time alone now and again!
Looking back in the midst of my infertility and how ardently I prayed to God to gift us with a child, I never realized just how good He would be to us! I shouldn't be surprised, but God manages to surprise me all the time. My prayers were not only answered, but were answered in abundance and we cannot be happier. We can't wait until August when this little boy joins our family! We thank God everyday for His infinite blessings upon us!
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Goodness of God
What a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I haven't had a ton of time to just sit and write in my blog for quite awhile. But, that is a great thing because I get to spend my days with Nathan.
Growing up, I never wanted to be a mommy. Not that I can remember anyway. Before meeting Jim, I had resigned myself to just being a really fun Aunt and thought maybe I wasn't meant to have kids. Then, I met Jim and I never wanted anything more. As you all know, we suffered infertility and could not have our biological children. At times in that journey, it seemed like God was not listening to us, that he had abandoned us in our time of need. That everyone else was having babies left and right but we were not one of the 'chosen ones'. There were some months that were harder than others, but at the depths of despair I remember thinking that the whole concept of God's will was questionable.
Then, slowly our hearts turned to adoption. And, we were matched with amazing birth parents. And then Nathan was born. And all of the years of infertility suddenly made sense. If we had been able to have biological children we would likely never have known Nathan and been his parents. We simply cannot fathom that! Looking back at the process I see God's hand in it all. We have had more blessings than we could count throughout this process.
Spending my days with Nathan, my favorite times are in the middle of the night when he wakes to eat. He is half asleep and as I place him on my shoulder to burp him sometimes he will snuggle in a little closer and I know that he knows that he is safe with his mommy.
We were both a little worried , and in the back of our minds were naturally nervous that maybe we would feel differently or have trouble bonding with Nathan because we did not share DNA. Well, that is crazy to think now. We could not love him anymore if we tried. Looking at his tiny face every day reminds us of the goodness of how good God has been to us!
Growing up, I never wanted to be a mommy. Not that I can remember anyway. Before meeting Jim, I had resigned myself to just being a really fun Aunt and thought maybe I wasn't meant to have kids. Then, I met Jim and I never wanted anything more. As you all know, we suffered infertility and could not have our biological children. At times in that journey, it seemed like God was not listening to us, that he had abandoned us in our time of need. That everyone else was having babies left and right but we were not one of the 'chosen ones'. There were some months that were harder than others, but at the depths of despair I remember thinking that the whole concept of God's will was questionable.
Then, slowly our hearts turned to adoption. And, we were matched with amazing birth parents. And then Nathan was born. And all of the years of infertility suddenly made sense. If we had been able to have biological children we would likely never have known Nathan and been his parents. We simply cannot fathom that! Looking back at the process I see God's hand in it all. We have had more blessings than we could count throughout this process.
Spending my days with Nathan, my favorite times are in the middle of the night when he wakes to eat. He is half asleep and as I place him on my shoulder to burp him sometimes he will snuggle in a little closer and I know that he knows that he is safe with his mommy.
We were both a little worried , and in the back of our minds were naturally nervous that maybe we would feel differently or have trouble bonding with Nathan because we did not share DNA. Well, that is crazy to think now. We could not love him anymore if we tried. Looking at his tiny face every day reminds us of the goodness of how good God has been to us!
Allow me a moment to brag:
Nathan is meeting all his milestones and then some! He grasps objects and even can twirl a spin toy by himself and you can tell he is trying and it is not a fluke. He is so strong! He has amazing head control and prefers standing on our laps and looking around than anything else. He is a great eater and sleeper and in general a very happy baby. He wakes up smiling and it brightens our day with all the cute things he does!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
It all began in 1902....
It all began in 1902 as far as we know. My great aunt on my dad's side was baptized in a simple baptismal gown adorned only with some pieces of lace and clearly intricately handmade. A few years later, my Grandmother used the same gown as was likely the custom of the day. In those days, there was likely not any money to use a different gown even if the desire was there.
Somehow, my Grandmother was able to keep the gown and as her own children were born, used that same gown. She passed the gown down to her kids when they had children and all of my cousins, my sister and I were baptized in that same gown.
Somehow, my Grandmother was able to keep the gown and as her own children were born, used that same gown. She passed the gown down to her kids when they had children and all of my cousins, my sister and I were baptized in that same gown.
My baptism 1976
Somehow, slowly it became a tradition in our family to use this gown. My oldest cousin is the keeper of the gown and whenever someone needs it they get it from her and return it to her. When my sister had her kids, they too were baptized in the same gown.
My nephew Alex's baptism 1999
Fast forward to this year. We knew we wanted to baptized Nathan as soon as we could and we knew we had to use this gown. It has come to mean so much in our family. To know that 4 generations of my dad's family have worn this same gown means so much. It means that as a family, we have remained steadfast in our faith, humbly asking the church to baptize our children. At the same time, we know that those in our family that have gone before us wore this same gown. Having Nathan wear this gown allowed my dad, who passed away in 2005, to play a role in his baptism. Even though Nathan does not share DNA with my dad, together they will share this faith which is so near and dear to us. And, together they have come forward in the same gown to be welcomed into the church.
We are so blessed to have our beautiful faith, and this beautiful gown.
Nathan's baptism day. In our family pic, 4 of us have also worn this gown.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Nathaniel James Wayne DeLara
He's finally here! After all the long waiting, wondering and praying, our son was born on July 18th. I thought I would take a few moments (while I have it) to write down the story of his birth. Here it is:
I was in constant contact with Nathan's birth mom leading up to his birth so when I didn't hear from her on July 17th, I got concerned. I decided to send the lawyers office we are working with a quick email as they told us to contact them with any worries we had throughout the process. I sent off a quick email and expected to hear that all was well. Instead, I got a phone call. It was the lawyers assistant telling me that Nathan's birth dad called and that it was time. Nathan's birth mom was in labor! I was in shock. I waited and waited for this moment to come, I didn't know what to do first. I quickly called Jim to tell him the news. I think he was in shock too because he told me that he needed to get done a couple things at work before we left. I told him he was not allowed and it was go time! After I hung up with Jim I got a call back from the lawyer saying there was confusion as to whether or not the birth mom was in labor or whether she was just dehydrated. She hadn't been admitted yet, so we should hold tight. I had been frantically researching the next available flights so I put that on hold and let Jim know he may have some time to get that stuff done after all. Well, less than an hour later, I got a call that she was indeed in labor and we should get on the next plane.
Less than 4 hours later, we were on a plane. There are barely any direct flights to Jacksonville so we had to take a connecting flight through Atlanta. I picked the first available flight and had no idea at the time that the second leg of our flight was first class seats! It saved us some money because our bags were free and we managed to be one of the first people off the plane in Jacksonville. We will always be able to tell Nathan that we flew first class to meet him. Each time we landed we texted the birth dad for updates. We were convinced that we would miss the birth. When we landed in Jacksonville, we found out that we didn't miss the birth and that she was still only about 4 cm dilated. We got to the hospital about midnight and sat around and waited. When it became clear not much would happen for the night we all tried to get some sleep (some of us more successful than others...I didn't sleep more than an hour). Jim and I managed somehow to sleep on this tiny couch together while the birth dad slept in a chair.
Morning broke and Nathan's birth mom was still only about 7-8 cm dilated. During this time of waiting I learned that Nathan's birth mom wanted us to be the first ones to see and hold Nathan and she wanted me to cut the umbilical cord. Nathan's birth mom was in more and more pain and it seemed like all of a sudden a nurse said that it was time and about 10 people ushered into the room. Jim didn't want to watch the birth but I did....The actual pushing was extremely quick. I am pretty sure it was only about 3 pushes and Nathan was out. It was amazing to watch! He had the cord wrapped around his neck, but as soon as they took that off he let out a big cry. I cut the umblical cord and it was not at all what I expected it to be like (it was really tough to cut through!!) They brought Nathan over to the little side warmer and Jim and I were crying. I looked back at Nathan's birth mom and she was crying as well. We locked eyes and I mouthed "Thank you" to her. She nodded and smiled. She told me later that moment will forever be etched in her memory seeing us meet our son for the first time.
Nathan's birth mom was also gracious enough to let me have the second hospital wristband that they usually give to dad's. Because I had the band, I could go with Nathan to the nursery, where he could be weighed, measured and bathed. It was so great to have those moments with him. I was texting Jim the results of his weight and measurements as I got them and he shared them with the birth parents as well. Jim was able to feed him his first bottle and we were all able to love on him.
At about 7 that night Jim and I left went to go back to the hotel to give the birth parents some time with their son. I am glad they had that whole night alone to love on him and take pictures. Early the next morning we came back and spent some time with the birth parents and little Nathan. The birth mom asked me if I would stay with her that night to help care for Nathan and I was so touched that she did. I gladly said yes! That night the birth mom had me do all the feeding and changing. She wanted me to be able to experience being his mom even while he was still at that point technically hers.
The next day, Nathan's birth mom was being discharged so our lawyer came to the hospital so she could sign the termination of parental rights. Jim and I knew this would be a difficult time not just for us, but for her as well. She was trying to be strong but we could see how hard this was going to be for her. She told us though, that she knows in heart that Nathan will have a life with us that she could never give him. I am forever grateful to her, for her selflessness and maturity to realize this.
Sometimes you hear people say, "They must not love that baby because if they did they wouldn't place the baby for adoption". Nothing could be further from the truth. Nathan's birth parents loved him enough to give him a life that they were unable to give.
We have an open adoption, so we will continue to stay in touch with them via text, phone calls, letters and visits. Nathan will always know how much they love him and we hope he always feels that he has two sets of parents that love him so much!
I was in constant contact with Nathan's birth mom leading up to his birth so when I didn't hear from her on July 17th, I got concerned. I decided to send the lawyers office we are working with a quick email as they told us to contact them with any worries we had throughout the process. I sent off a quick email and expected to hear that all was well. Instead, I got a phone call. It was the lawyers assistant telling me that Nathan's birth dad called and that it was time. Nathan's birth mom was in labor! I was in shock. I waited and waited for this moment to come, I didn't know what to do first. I quickly called Jim to tell him the news. I think he was in shock too because he told me that he needed to get done a couple things at work before we left. I told him he was not allowed and it was go time! After I hung up with Jim I got a call back from the lawyer saying there was confusion as to whether or not the birth mom was in labor or whether she was just dehydrated. She hadn't been admitted yet, so we should hold tight. I had been frantically researching the next available flights so I put that on hold and let Jim know he may have some time to get that stuff done after all. Well, less than an hour later, I got a call that she was indeed in labor and we should get on the next plane.
Less than 4 hours later, we were on a plane. There are barely any direct flights to Jacksonville so we had to take a connecting flight through Atlanta. I picked the first available flight and had no idea at the time that the second leg of our flight was first class seats! It saved us some money because our bags were free and we managed to be one of the first people off the plane in Jacksonville. We will always be able to tell Nathan that we flew first class to meet him. Each time we landed we texted the birth dad for updates. We were convinced that we would miss the birth. When we landed in Jacksonville, we found out that we didn't miss the birth and that she was still only about 4 cm dilated. We got to the hospital about midnight and sat around and waited. When it became clear not much would happen for the night we all tried to get some sleep (some of us more successful than others...I didn't sleep more than an hour). Jim and I managed somehow to sleep on this tiny couch together while the birth dad slept in a chair.
Morning broke and Nathan's birth mom was still only about 7-8 cm dilated. During this time of waiting I learned that Nathan's birth mom wanted us to be the first ones to see and hold Nathan and she wanted me to cut the umbilical cord. Nathan's birth mom was in more and more pain and it seemed like all of a sudden a nurse said that it was time and about 10 people ushered into the room. Jim didn't want to watch the birth but I did....The actual pushing was extremely quick. I am pretty sure it was only about 3 pushes and Nathan was out. It was amazing to watch! He had the cord wrapped around his neck, but as soon as they took that off he let out a big cry. I cut the umblical cord and it was not at all what I expected it to be like (it was really tough to cut through!!) They brought Nathan over to the little side warmer and Jim and I were crying. I looked back at Nathan's birth mom and she was crying as well. We locked eyes and I mouthed "Thank you" to her. She nodded and smiled. She told me later that moment will forever be etched in her memory seeing us meet our son for the first time.
Nathan's birth mom was also gracious enough to let me have the second hospital wristband that they usually give to dad's. Because I had the band, I could go with Nathan to the nursery, where he could be weighed, measured and bathed. It was so great to have those moments with him. I was texting Jim the results of his weight and measurements as I got them and he shared them with the birth parents as well. Jim was able to feed him his first bottle and we were all able to love on him.
At about 7 that night Jim and I left went to go back to the hotel to give the birth parents some time with their son. I am glad they had that whole night alone to love on him and take pictures. Early the next morning we came back and spent some time with the birth parents and little Nathan. The birth mom asked me if I would stay with her that night to help care for Nathan and I was so touched that she did. I gladly said yes! That night the birth mom had me do all the feeding and changing. She wanted me to be able to experience being his mom even while he was still at that point technically hers.
The next day, Nathan's birth mom was being discharged so our lawyer came to the hospital so she could sign the termination of parental rights. Jim and I knew this would be a difficult time not just for us, but for her as well. She was trying to be strong but we could see how hard this was going to be for her. She told us though, that she knows in heart that Nathan will have a life with us that she could never give him. I am forever grateful to her, for her selflessness and maturity to realize this.
Sometimes you hear people say, "They must not love that baby because if they did they wouldn't place the baby for adoption". Nothing could be further from the truth. Nathan's birth parents loved him enough to give him a life that they were unable to give.
We have an open adoption, so we will continue to stay in touch with them via text, phone calls, letters and visits. Nathan will always know how much they love him and we hope he always feels that he has two sets of parents that love him so much!
Monday, June 29, 2015
Things you learn....
As I began researching the whole adoption process, a few things really surprised me. The biggest surprise was that adoptive moms have the ability to breastfeed. I never knew that was possible, but it is. They may not be able to provide all the nutrients for their baby but they can produce some milk. I always thought you needed to be pregnant for that, but apparently not. There are many methods for women who want to induce lactation. One of them is to take herbs and get a hospital grade breast pump and start pumping.
Unfortunately, due to some issues I have and some medication I am on, I have been advised by my doctor not to breastfeed. It made me really sad, until I started researching bottle feeding. In this world where you are almost demonized if you do not try to breastfeed, there is not a lot of information out there on bottle feeding. What I learned though, is that a very real connection can happen with bottle-feeding as well as breast feeding.
We have already met with a pediatrician and he assured us that our baby will get all they need from formula and while it is not perfect, it is a more than suitable form of nutrition. This is such a personal choice for not just adoptive moms, but all moms. What moms have in common though, is they are doing what they and their pediatrician feel is best for their babies. It has taken me awhile with being okay to let go of the sadness that I have that I will be unable to breastfeed. But, like everything else in adoption, it may be different and that is okay.
Some women obtain donated breast milk. While there are some benefits to this, as antibodies in breast milk are valuable, we ultimately decided against this after much research. Unless someone we know donates milk to us, we will stick to formula feeding. The way women who wish to get donated milk do so, is largely through facebook sites where other women donate their extra milk. The problem with this is the milk is not regulated and it is impossible to know what the women donating are eating, drinking or smoking. So because of this, we will stick to formula which provides consistent nutrition.
Some women obtain donated breast milk. While there are some benefits to this, as antibodies in breast milk are valuable, we ultimately decided against this after much research. Unless someone we know donates milk to us, we will stick to formula feeding. The way women who wish to get donated milk do so, is largely through facebook sites where other women donate their extra milk. The problem with this is the milk is not regulated and it is impossible to know what the women donating are eating, drinking or smoking. So because of this, we will stick to formula which provides consistent nutrition.
The one thing I know for sure, is that the most important thing that our child can get is adequate nutrition and a copious amount of love, and I know that we can provide that in spades.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Patience is a virtue....
I have never really been a patient person. You would think by now, I would be a master at the virtue of patience. I mean, it took years for me to find Jim and get married. It took us a couple years of trying to be patient for God to reveal His plan for us regarding children. It took a total of 7 months to be matched from the start of our home study and, now we are waiting for the expectant mom to go into labor. We are a day from her due date. Well, her first due date anyway. For various reasons, she had very little prenatal care early on in the pregnancy and so dating the pregnancy has been difficult. She has had 2 due dates given to her. That second due date is (GULP!) August 3rd!
Our lawyer and our expectant mom are pretty sure the first due date is a lot closer to reality than the second one, but we are having a hard time being patient. Not knowing whether we will have to get up and run to the airport in a few days, a few weeks or over a month from now is very trying on our emotions. We realize that if I were expecting we would have a due date that would simply be an estimate of the day the baby would be born. But, in that case there is usually a couple week window where you can expect the baby to come. And even if there was a longer wait, we would be right there when the baby was born. But, the fact that we live so far from the expectant mom and have to hop on a plane is a lot different. It doesn't help that we are only getting snippets of information regarding her doctors appointments and that is also frustrating.
People are telling us we should just take this time to sleep, go on dates and get stuff done around the house. We are doing all of those things and are grateful for the time. But, we are just so excited about the possibility of having a child join our family that we just want it to happen now! Especially since we know this is not a sure thing. There is always a small chance that the expectant mom can choose to parent her child. While we are trying not to dwell on this and are pretty sure she is confident in her decision, but our impatient minds and hearts are just wanting all of that to be behind us so we can hopefully be holding our baby soon.
We know in the end though that God's timing is always perfect and when He chooses for the baby to come is when it will come. Also, we are pretty sure He thinks we need a bit more work on being patient.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Why you should never tell anyone to "Just Adopt"...and an update from us...
When we felt God calling us to start the adoption process, we knew it would be hard but we never knew how much of an emotional roller coaster it would be. But, since we felt God calling, we proceeded enthusiastically with the adoption. However, the emotional aspect of adoption is not one that is talked about often, so I wanted to take a moment to talk a little about the emotions of everything we have gone through thus far.
I remember when we started our home study I felt overwhelmed and scared. I was scared that somehow we would not be approved to adopt and the call we felt we heard from God would be unanswered by things not in our control. But, alas we passed the home study and then we began the wait to be matched.
When we were in that phase, I remember feeling I could not be more anxious if I tried. I remember putting our hearts on the line as situation after situation came to us. When we got 'no's' I remembered feeling rejected and dejected. While I was excited to adopt, the process seemed so daunting. We didn't know if we would ever hear a 'yes'.
I remember the day in late March when I got an email that an expectant mom who we had presented to had liked our profile and wanted to talk to us. I was elated! I called Jim at work and we were both so excited. But that elation soon turned to fear. We were going to talk to the expectant mom the next day. Would she like us? What should we say? Thankfully all went well and our nervousness and fear soon turned to relief.
When we met the expectant parents I was equally nervous. As things get closer to the due date I have found myself becoming more and more anxious. (While Jim is still calm which is so unlike him). I am realizing that this upcoming time is when "the rubber meets the road" so to speak. This is when she could change her mind after all of our investment in this baby and this family.
This past weekend, we had a bit of a scare related to the expectant mom's pregnancy. We were told she was in the hospital and may have to deliver that day. We soon learned that things stabilized and things turned out to be fine, but Jim and I realized how crazy the moment will be where we have to drop everything and get on the next flight to Florida.We also realized how hard it is to be in Minnesota when things like this hospitalization are happening in Florida. This weekend, for a few hours we were contemplating flying out to be with her and spent some time researching flights. It helped me become more prepared by packing the bag for the baby (which I hadn't done yet because I thought we would have a few more weeks before I had to worry about that) and I have even started to pack for us. Hopefully, if we need to, we could be out the door in under and hour heading to the airport without forgetting anything major. The emotions this weekend were unreal though. We felt fear, excitement, worry, shock. Pretty much name an emotion and we felt it.
We know that soon we will be dealing with many more intense emotions. When we meet this baby we will feel love and joy, and will spend time hoping and praying this child will be ours. If the expectant mom signs the forms which terminate her rights, we will feel conflicting emotions. We cannot imagine what that moment would be like for anyone in her situation, and will be feeling for her and the grief she will undoubtedly experience. But, we will be elated at the same time that we will now have a child that we have so longed for, prayed for and already love.
All of this, brings me to the title of this post. Often times, when couples are experiencing infertility, some well meaning friends and families may think they are helping by saying "Just adopt", as if adopting an infant is as easy as adopting a puppy. Clearly, by all the emotions we have experienced and things we have gone through to get to this point, we know it is not. I know I will never tell anyone to just adopt without giving them the in's and out's of the process. In fact, what I have heard most often when sharing the process of adoption from people is, "I had no idea it was so difficult."
But, we go through all of this because we know at the end of all of this, there is a child who needs us and that is the most important thing of all. One that God has had a hand in sending us. We hold onto that as we move forward in our waiting for our expectant mom to deliver.
I remember when we started our home study I felt overwhelmed and scared. I was scared that somehow we would not be approved to adopt and the call we felt we heard from God would be unanswered by things not in our control. But, alas we passed the home study and then we began the wait to be matched.
When we were in that phase, I remember feeling I could not be more anxious if I tried. I remember putting our hearts on the line as situation after situation came to us. When we got 'no's' I remembered feeling rejected and dejected. While I was excited to adopt, the process seemed so daunting. We didn't know if we would ever hear a 'yes'.
I remember the day in late March when I got an email that an expectant mom who we had presented to had liked our profile and wanted to talk to us. I was elated! I called Jim at work and we were both so excited. But that elation soon turned to fear. We were going to talk to the expectant mom the next day. Would she like us? What should we say? Thankfully all went well and our nervousness and fear soon turned to relief.
When we met the expectant parents I was equally nervous. As things get closer to the due date I have found myself becoming more and more anxious. (While Jim is still calm which is so unlike him). I am realizing that this upcoming time is when "the rubber meets the road" so to speak. This is when she could change her mind after all of our investment in this baby and this family.
This past weekend, we had a bit of a scare related to the expectant mom's pregnancy. We were told she was in the hospital and may have to deliver that day. We soon learned that things stabilized and things turned out to be fine, but Jim and I realized how crazy the moment will be where we have to drop everything and get on the next flight to Florida.We also realized how hard it is to be in Minnesota when things like this hospitalization are happening in Florida. This weekend, for a few hours we were contemplating flying out to be with her and spent some time researching flights. It helped me become more prepared by packing the bag for the baby (which I hadn't done yet because I thought we would have a few more weeks before I had to worry about that) and I have even started to pack for us. Hopefully, if we need to, we could be out the door in under and hour heading to the airport without forgetting anything major. The emotions this weekend were unreal though. We felt fear, excitement, worry, shock. Pretty much name an emotion and we felt it.
We know that soon we will be dealing with many more intense emotions. When we meet this baby we will feel love and joy, and will spend time hoping and praying this child will be ours. If the expectant mom signs the forms which terminate her rights, we will feel conflicting emotions. We cannot imagine what that moment would be like for anyone in her situation, and will be feeling for her and the grief she will undoubtedly experience. But, we will be elated at the same time that we will now have a child that we have so longed for, prayed for and already love.
All of this, brings me to the title of this post. Often times, when couples are experiencing infertility, some well meaning friends and families may think they are helping by saying "Just adopt", as if adopting an infant is as easy as adopting a puppy. Clearly, by all the emotions we have experienced and things we have gone through to get to this point, we know it is not. I know I will never tell anyone to just adopt without giving them the in's and out's of the process. In fact, what I have heard most often when sharing the process of adoption from people is, "I had no idea it was so difficult."
But, we go through all of this because we know at the end of all of this, there is a child who needs us and that is the most important thing of all. One that God has had a hand in sending us. We hold onto that as we move forward in our waiting for our expectant mom to deliver.
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