Bringing Home Baby DeLara-Take 2

Both boys are sleeping and I finally have a moment to write down all the events of Jacob's adoption. I know I should be 'sleeping when the babies are sleeping' but I really want to get this all down on paper so I don't forget anything.

So, our son's birthmom who from now on I will refer to as N was due August 31st. In anticipation of her going into labor, my mom came to stay with us a few weeks before that. We were simply waiting to get 'the call'. It was stressful in a lot of ways because we had to be ready to go at any moment. N mentioned to me on the 26th she didn't think it would be happening anytime soon because she didn't feel anything to indicate she was close. I mentioned to her that perhaps her water would just break one day. She said she hoped that would be so. 

I took advantage of the fact that my mom was here, and on the 27th I went for coffee with a friend. We had a great visit and as I said my goodbyes, I checked my phone as I always do before I headed for home. There was a text message from N, saying she thought her water just broke! Even though I was hoping for this, I was shocked. I quickly called Jim and told him it was time! I got home quickly and we started to make plans. We all sort of divided and conquered. My mom played with Nathan while I looked at flights and Jim started packing. The 27th was a Saturday so there was exactly one flight, that connected in Chicago, on all the airlines that had seats available and would still fly out Saturday afternoon. We booked our tickets, finished packing and called a cab to bring us to the airport. The taxi took forever, and I was worried we were going to miss our flight. We got there in plenty of time and soon learned our first flight was slightly delayed. There was still about an hour between flights so we were going to be ok. As we got through security and got to the gate we heard an announcement that our flight was going to be further delayed. That it was going to land when our connecting flight was supposed to take off. I went to lady at the gate desk and asked what we should do. She told me that we should still go to Chicago that often flights are delayed there too and we still had a shot of making it. So we took her advice and got on the flight.

We soon realized we would have little to no chance of getting on the plane. It didn't help that our connecting flight was 2 concourses away. Just in case that plane was delayed, we came up with a game plan. Jim would grab Nathan and my mom and I would run ahead and try to get to the gate as soon as possible. Well, I got off the plane and started running. As I was running, I took a glance at the departures listed on the big sign and our flight info stated it was already departed. So, I slowed down. We were not going to get to Florida that day. We rebooked our flight for the following morning on yet another connecting flight. The plane was going to get us there at 2 p.m. But, for Saturday, we were stuck in Chicago. We were flying out at 7 am the next morning so it didn't make sense for Jim's family who live in the area  to come get us as it was already late. We stayed at the hotel connected to the airport. We found out our luggage was at O'Hare but we did not have access to it. So we would have to make due with just our carry on's for the night. In our rushing that morning, I didn't pack an extra outfit in the diaper bag for Nathan (I ALWAYS have one in there but took it out a few days before because it was getting small on him) and all of our pajamas, toothbrushes etc were in our luggage. We had a pack n play but it was also checked. Thankfully, the hotel was nice and accomodated us with a pack n play and we were able to buy Nathan an extra outfit. 

None of us slept well that night, as N was still in labor. Every hour or so I would check my phone for updates. It was so frustrating. We managed to get ready in the morning, and despite the lack of sleep everyone was ready to go. We were in the security line when I got a picture of Jacob sent by birthdad with the words "He's here". The picture was him still all full of gunk from birth but we could see right away he had a lot of gorgeous black hair. I turned to Jim to tell him that our baby was born when I hear "Ma'am! Ma'am! You need to get your double stroller weighed. You cannot take it through security" We were travelling with a double stroller as we would need it on the way back. I had never been to an airport where you could not take a double stroller through security, but at O'Hare I guess you cannot. And, this lady ruined our moment of celebration. We had to stop everything, get out of line, get our stroller weighed and since it weighed too much, check it. We now had to carry Nathan through the airport as well as all of our carry on luggage. We got back in line and managed to finally get excited that we had a new baby. We were upset though that, unlike Nathan's birth, we were not there for the first hours of Jacob's life. N and birthdad were really good at keeping us informed though. 

We had an uneventful flight(s) to Jacksonville and got to the hospital about 4p.m. and finally got to meet our precious Jacob. Jacob briefly got to meet his brother, but poor Nathan was so tired from the whole ordeal that he just wanted to go and nap. My mom and Nathan stayed at the hospital for a little while and then we drove them back to the hotel and came back.

We were extremely fortunate that we were able to come back home after only 2 weeks away. While we were in Florida, there was a hurricane that basically only created a lot of wind by the time it reached Jacksonville. But, it really hit Tallahassee hard, which is where the offices are that process the paperwork we needed to wait for in order to come back were located. Our lawyer told us to expect to be there quite awhile because the offices were closed and they weren't sure when they would reopen. We were ready to be there for the long haul, but we got back in the same amount of time as we did for Nathan's adoption. We were so blessed.

These first few weeks have been great with the two boys, but I know once my mom leaves that the real work will begin. Jacob has been a really great, laid back baby so far. He only cries when he has gas or is hungry and is generally pretty happy. He has done stretches of 5 hours sleep at night and has not yet gotten his days and nights mixed up. All of this is helping make our lives a bit easier as we feel fairly rested. Nathan is adjusting ok. He, for the most part, ignores Jacob. But when he does want to interact he doesn't really get that Jacob is little and he needs to be gentle. That will be a work in progress. 

We cannot thank God enough for the blessing these two boys have brought to our lives and our family. We are done with adoption now, and are fairly certain our family is complete. We couldn't have imagined a more perfect family. 

Mother's Day

I love my mom! She is the greatest! I remember when I was little, making her horrible, ugly home made presents, like a flower made out of tissue paper. I also remember her proudly wearing that ugly flower to church and she seemed like it was the most beautiful gift in the world. I love the fact that I get a special day to celebrate my mom and I don't take for granted the fact that I still have a mom here on earth to celebrate the day with.

But, for the last few years as I was struggling with fertility, Mother's Day was also a very painful day. It was a reminder of all the things I so desperately wanted and did not yet have. I so wanted a little baby who would one day make me ugly flowers out of tissue paper that I would wear proudly. Going to mass was almost unbearable. Seeing all the moms beaming with pride, wearing flowers, or other little trinkets their little ones made them was heartbreaking. Thank goodness my parish did not have all the moms stand for a blessing, so I didn't have to look around at all the other single ladies who had not yet found someone to marry or married women with no children and watch them fight back tears, while fighting back my own.

This year, I am so blessed to be able to finally celebrate Mother's day. I plan to celebrate my mom (from afar) as well as my mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-laws, Godmother, aunts and friends who define what great moms are. I will celebrate all the women who mothered me in some way in my formative years or shared their motherly wisdom with me as an adult.

But, I will also remember those with empty arms this Mothers day. I will remember those that have little ones in heaven and those that desire a child and have not yet been blessed with one. But the person I will remember most of all this Mother's day is Nathan's birth mother. She is the whole reason that I am a mother today. While I am Nathan's mom, she is as well. We each have different roles, but I know how much she loves Nathan and without her selfless choice we would not have Nathan in our lives. I am forever grateful that she chose us to be Nathan's parents and that she chose life for Nathan (and now for his little brother as well). I know Mother's Day will be hard for her and will be for all birth parents who chose to place their child for adoption. Would you remember all of these women in your prayers?

Another unexpected blessing...

When Nathan was born, Jim and I decided that we would wait until he was 6 months old to talk about whether or not we would adopt again, or if we were okay with the fact that Nathan may be our only child. Every once in awhile, we would try to broach the subject with each other prior to the 6 month mark. My feeling was always, "This is great! I love our little family of 3. After all, the Holy Family was only a family of 3 and look at them!" But, Jim was quick to share his desire for another child. Not just because he wanted another one, but because he wanted Nathan to have a brother or sister. I couldn't argue with that, which was why I was glad I could just table the discussion because Nathan wasn't 6 months old yet.

 I wanted another child, don't get me wrong. I just wasn't really up to the task of going through the whole adoption process again. Getting fingerprinted was getting pretty old. (Especially since I had to do it multiple times for my entry to the USA) Preparing a new profile seemed daunting. Waiting to be matched seemed like it would be even more stressful this time around. I am a big planner and not knowing if we would be matched in weeks or months was not really appealing to me, especially with a young baby at home. Not to mention the financial hit it would take on us. Nathan's adoption was expensive (lets start serious discussions on why it takes astronomical amounts of money to adopt a baby, shall we?) and it would be a big financial burden if we adopted another.

We have such a great relationship with Nathan's birth mom and another concern I had was, "What if we don't have the same relationship with a new babies birth family?" "What if they wanted a closed adoption and Nathan got to know his birth family but this new baby didn't?" "What if they lived on the opposite side of the country as Nathan's birth family? Could we really commit to visiting them too?"

We talk or text (mostly text) Nathan's birth mom pretty much daily. I send pictures. I tell her about his milestones and let her know just how much his birth family means to us on a regular basis. Around Christmas time, the text messages began to not be returned. I became concerned, but I knew this could happen eventually. Experts tell of how birth parents sometimes begin to distance themselves as time goes on. I worried this would happen and it made me sad to know that we may lose touch. I was relieved about a month later to get a text from Nathan's birth mom explaining her phone had broken and she was happy to be back in contact with us. In the midst of texting, she also told us she was pregnant again. We expressed our congratulations and immediately began to wonder what this meant for us. Was she going to parent this time? Was she going to ask US to adopt this baby? Was she going to choose another family?

We didn't quite know how to ask her, so we talked around the issue for a few days and finally a window opened up where the conversation could lead to making things clear. It turned out she did want us to adopt this child too. In the few days we were talking around the issue, Jim and I were able to discuss the ins and outs of what we would do if she did ask us to adopt again. We came to the conclusion that we would be able to do so, but if she didn't ask us, we would be happy for her and make sure that Nathan knew this sibling by visiting as much as possible.

After initial conversations and securing a lawyer to handle the process, the shock began to wear off a bit and Jim and I began to realize that in this later stage of life we would soon have our hands full with two little ones about a year apart. To be honest, I am still in a bit of denial about just how busy I will be. I remember a few moms who had "Irish twins" tell me it is not for the faint of heart. Those moms at the time of their children's infanthood were at least 10-12 years younger than I am now! But, I know that we will take it a day at a time and before we can blink these two little ones will be all grown. So, in all the craziness that is to come, I want to remember that I need to savor and appreciate these times.

Last weekend, we traveled to Florida to visit Nathan's birth family for the first time since he was born. It was great that he was able to meet his two biological siblings and spend some time with his birth family. There is no mistaking that his siblings are related to him. He looks just like them! It was great to see them interact and I look forward to many more visits.

While we were there, we were able to go with Nathan's birth mom for an ultrasound to determine the sex of this baby. We were happy to find out that Nathan will have a brother. These two little boys will be the best of friends, and I predict there will be a lot of fighting and wrestling going on as well. Growing up my dad was the only male amidst us girls and now I will be the only female in my house! Guess that means I will have to savor some girlfriend time alone now and again!

Looking back in the midst of my infertility and how ardently I prayed to God to gift us with a child, I never realized just how good He would be to us! I shouldn't be surprised, but God manages to surprise me all the time. My prayers were not only answered, but were answered in abundance and we cannot be happier. We can't wait until August when this little boy joins our family! We thank God everyday for His infinite blessings upon us!

Goodness of God

What a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I haven't had a ton of time to just sit and write in my blog for quite awhile. But, that is a great thing because I get to spend my days with Nathan.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a mommy. Not that I can remember anyway. Before meeting Jim, I had resigned myself to just being a really fun Aunt and thought maybe I wasn't meant to have kids. Then, I met Jim and I never wanted anything more. As you all know, we suffered infertility and could not have our biological children. At times in that journey, it seemed like God was not listening to us, that he had abandoned us in our time of need. That everyone else was having babies left and right but we were not one of the 'chosen ones'. There were some months that were harder than others, but at the depths of despair I remember thinking that the whole concept of God's will was questionable.

Then, slowly our hearts turned to adoption. And, we were matched with amazing birth parents. And then Nathan was born. And all of the years of infertility suddenly made sense. If we had been able to have biological children we would likely never have known Nathan and been his parents. We simply cannot fathom that! Looking back at the process I see God's hand in it all. We have had more blessings than we could count throughout this process.

Spending my days with Nathan, my favorite times are in the middle of the night when he wakes to eat. He is half asleep and as I place him on my shoulder to burp him sometimes he will snuggle in a little closer and I know that he knows that he is safe with his mommy.

We were both a little worried , and in the back of our minds were naturally nervous that maybe we would feel differently or have trouble bonding with Nathan because we did not share DNA. Well, that is crazy to think now. We could not love him anymore if we tried. Looking at his tiny face every day reminds us of the goodness of how good God has been to us!

Allow me a moment to brag:

Nathan is meeting all his milestones and then some! He grasps objects and even can twirl a spin toy by himself and you can tell he is trying and it is not a fluke. He is so strong! He has amazing head control and prefers standing on our laps and looking around than anything else. He is a great eater and sleeper and in general a very happy baby. He wakes up smiling and it brightens our day with all the cute things he does! 

It all began in 1902....

It all began in 1902 as far as we know. My great aunt on my dad's side was baptized in a simple baptismal gown adorned only with some pieces of lace and clearly intricately handmade. A few years later, my Grandmother used the same gown as was likely the custom of the day. In those days, there was likely not any money to use a different gown even if the desire was there.

Somehow, my Grandmother was able to keep the gown and as her own children were born, used that same gown. She passed the gown down to her kids when they had children and all of my cousins, my sister and I were baptized in that same gown.

My baptism 1976

Somehow, slowly it became a tradition in our family to use this gown. My oldest cousin is the keeper of the gown and whenever someone needs it they get it from her and return it to her. When my sister had her kids, they too were baptized in the same gown.

My nephew Alex's baptism 1999

Fast forward to this year. We knew we wanted to baptized Nathan as soon as we could and we knew we had to use this gown. It has come to mean so much in our family. To know that 4 generations of my dad's family have worn this same gown means so much. It means that as a family, we have remained steadfast in our faith, humbly asking the church to baptize our children. At the same time, we know that those in our family that have gone before us wore this same gown. Having Nathan wear this gown allowed my dad, who passed away in 2005, to play a role in his baptism. Even though Nathan does not share DNA with my dad, together they will share this faith which is so near and dear to us. And, together they have come forward in the same gown to be welcomed into the church. 

We are so blessed to have our beautiful faith, and this beautiful gown.

Nathan's baptism day. In our family pic, 4 of us have also worn this gown. 

Nathaniel James Wayne DeLara

He's finally here! After all the long waiting, wondering and praying, our son was born on July 18th. I thought I would take a few moments (while I have it) to write down the story of his birth. Here it is:

I was in constant contact with Nathan's birth mom leading up to his birth so when I didn't hear from her on July 17th, I got concerned. I decided to send the lawyers office we are working with a quick email as they told us to contact them with any worries we had throughout the process. I sent off a quick email and expected to hear that all was well. Instead, I got a phone call. It was the lawyers assistant telling me that Nathan's birth dad called and that it was time. Nathan's birth mom was in labor! I was in shock. I waited and waited for this moment to come, I didn't know what to do first. I quickly called Jim to tell him the news. I think he was in shock too because he told me that he needed to get done a couple things at work before we left. I told him he was not allowed and it was go time! After I hung up with Jim I got a call back from the lawyer saying there was confusion as to whether or not the birth mom was in labor or whether she was just dehydrated. She hadn't been admitted yet, so we should hold tight. I had been frantically researching the next available flights so I put that on hold and let Jim know he may have some time to get that stuff done after all. Well, less than an hour later, I got a call that she was indeed in labor and we should get on the next plane.

Less than 4 hours later, we were on a plane. There are barely any direct flights to Jacksonville so we had to take a connecting flight through Atlanta. I picked the first available flight and had no idea at the time that the second leg of our flight was first class seats! It saved us some money because our bags were free and we managed to be one of the first people off the plane in Jacksonville. We will always be able to tell Nathan that we flew first class to meet him. Each time we landed we texted the birth dad for updates. We were convinced that we would miss the birth. When we landed in Jacksonville, we found out that we didn't miss the birth and that she was still only about 4 cm dilated. We got to the hospital about midnight and sat around and waited. When it became clear not much would happen for the night we all tried to get some sleep (some of us more successful than others...I didn't sleep more than an hour). Jim and I managed somehow to sleep on this tiny couch together while the birth dad slept in a chair.

Morning broke and Nathan's birth mom was still only about 7-8 cm dilated. During this time of waiting I learned that Nathan's birth mom wanted us to be the first ones to see and hold Nathan and she wanted me to cut the umbilical cord. Nathan's birth mom was in more and more pain and it seemed like all of a sudden a nurse said that it was time and about 10 people ushered into the room. Jim didn't want to watch the birth but I did....The actual pushing was extremely quick. I am pretty sure it was only about 3 pushes and Nathan was out. It was amazing to watch! He had the cord wrapped around his neck, but as soon as they took that off he let out a big cry. I cut the umblical cord and it was not at all what I expected it to be like (it was really tough to cut through!!)  They brought Nathan over to the little side warmer and Jim and I were crying. I looked back at Nathan's birth mom and she was crying as well. We locked eyes and I mouthed "Thank you" to her. She nodded and smiled. She told me later that moment will forever be etched in her memory seeing us meet our son for the first time.

Nathan's birth mom was also gracious enough to let me have the second hospital wristband that they usually give to dad's. Because I had the band, I could go with Nathan to the nursery, where he could be weighed, measured and bathed. It was so great to have those moments with him. I was texting Jim the results of his weight and measurements as I got them and he shared them with the birth parents as well. Jim was able to feed him his first bottle and we were all able to love on him.

At about 7 that night Jim and I left went to go back to the hotel to give the birth parents some time with their son. I am glad they had that whole night alone to love on him and take pictures. Early the next morning we came back and spent some time with the birth parents and little Nathan. The birth mom asked me if I would stay with her that night to help care for Nathan and I was so touched that she did. I gladly said yes! That night the birth mom had me do all the feeding and changing. She wanted me to be able to experience being his mom even while he was still at that point technically hers.

The next day, Nathan's birth mom was being discharged so our lawyer came to the hospital so she could sign the termination of parental rights. Jim and I knew this would be a difficult time not just for us, but for her as well. She was trying to be strong but we could see how hard this was going to be for her. She told us though, that she knows in heart that Nathan will have a life with us that she could never give him. I am forever grateful to her, for her selflessness and maturity to realize this.

Sometimes you hear people say, "They must not love that baby because if they did they wouldn't place the baby for adoption". Nothing could be further from the truth. Nathan's birth parents loved him enough to give him a life that they were unable to give.

We have an open adoption, so we will continue to stay in touch with them via text, phone calls, letters and visits. Nathan will always know how much they love him and we hope he always feels that he has two sets of parents that love him so much!

Things you learn....

As I began researching the whole adoption process, a few things really surprised me. The biggest surprise was that adoptive moms have the ability to breastfeed. I never knew that was possible, but it is. They may not be able to provide all the nutrients for their baby but they can produce some milk. I always thought you needed to be pregnant for that, but apparently not. There are many methods for women who want to induce lactation. One of them is to take herbs and get a hospital grade breast pump and start pumping.

Unfortunately, due to some issues I have and some medication I am on, I have been advised by my doctor not to breastfeed. It made me really sad, until I started researching bottle feeding. In this world where you are almost demonized if you do not try to breastfeed, there is not a lot of information out there on bottle feeding. What I learned though, is that a very real connection can happen with bottle-feeding as well as breast feeding.

We have already met with a pediatrician and he assured us that our baby will get all they need from formula and while it is not perfect, it is a more than suitable form of nutrition. This is such a personal choice for not just adoptive moms, but all moms. What moms have in common though, is they are doing what they and their pediatrician feel is best for their babies.  It has taken me awhile with being okay to let go of the sadness that I have that I will be unable to breastfeed. But, like everything else in adoption, it may be different and that is okay.

Some women obtain donated breast milk. While there are some benefits to this, as antibodies in breast milk are valuable, we ultimately decided against this after much research. Unless someone we know donates milk to us, we will stick to formula feeding. The way women who wish to get donated milk do so, is largely through facebook sites where other women donate their extra milk. The problem with this is the milk is not regulated and it is impossible to know what the women donating are eating, drinking or smoking. So because of this, we will stick to formula which provides consistent nutrition.

The one thing I know for sure, is that the most important thing that our child can get is adequate nutrition and a copious amount of  love, and I know that we can provide that in spades.