So throughout this process, there has been a lot to learn. Before Jim and I started, we really knew very little about adoption. And, the truth is, most people do not know that much because there is no reason for them to. So, naturally we have been answering a lot of questions about the process. I thought I would write a blog post addressing some of these questions. So here we go!
What type of adoption are you doing?
There are three main types of adoption. International, domestic infant and foster-adopt. All have pros and cons, but Jim and I decided early on that domestic infant adoption is the path we wanted to take. So, all of these answers are specific to domestic infant adoption.
Will you get a newborn?
Most likely yes. We have been approved for a newborn and we will likely get to either be at the birth of the child, or arrive shortly after they have been born.
You keep mentioning working with a consultant. What is that about?
Within domestic adoption, there are different routes you can take. The majority of people sign on with an agency and are put on their waiting lists. Others work with an adoption attorney and are put on their waiting list. Current studies show the national average wait time to be matched with a child is 2 years. Consultants do many things but one of the benefits of working with them (besides their support and guidance through the process) is that they work with many agencies and attorneys. This multi-agency approach allows you to have many more opportunities than you would have by signing on with an agency or attorney alone. We are using Christian Adoption Consultants and their wait time to be matched on average is 10 months as opposed to 2 years.
Will you adopt in Minnesota?
Probably not. Each state has different laws when it comes to adoption. One of the things they can specify is how long an expectant mom has to decide whether she wants to parent her child, after the birth of that child. These times vary widely. Some states have 12-72 hours and other have many days (sometimes in excess of many months) to decide whether they want to stick with their adoption plan or parent their child. Minnesota's law states they have 10 days. While it is every mom's right to decide to parent their child and we would not fault them in the least for doing so, we also can't imagine having a child that we believe to be ours for many months only to have to give them back to their biological parents. So, because of this, our consultants only work with agencies and attorneys in the states that have the 12-72 hours before revocation takes place. Some of these states include Florida, Utah and Texas. Because we will be adopting out of state, we need to stay within that state while paperwork is passed between the state we adopt from and the state we live in. This means the first couple weeks of the babies life will be spent in their state and we will likely be in a hotel room or a vacation rental for that time.
Once you are matched with an expectant mom, how long will it be before the baby is born?
While this can vary widely, generally most agencies and attorneys do not match prospective parents with their expectant moms until that mom is in her late 2nd trimester or early 3rd trimester. Some get matched earlier, but the risk of the match falling through increases greatly. Also, sometimes expectant moms decide to make an adoption plan after the birth of their baby and if that happens you literally hop on the next plane to go and meet your baby. So, you really have to be prepared for anything.
How often do expectant moms change their mind and decide to parent their child?
The national average is somewhere around 15% of the time. Our consultants do their best to weigh the risks before sending us any situations and we get a chance to identify any potential red flags in a situation as well. But, you never truly know what will happen so as prospective adoptive parents there is a lot of trying to guard your heart until revocation papers are signed.
How much do adoptions cost?
Adoption is expensive. I always laugh when people tell couples struggling with fertility issues to 'just adopt'. In reality, many people cannot afford domestic infant adoption because of the large costs and fees associated with it. But, on average adoption costs run anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000. I want to note that these fees are for the agency/attorney and any medical expenses the expectant mom may have. No one 'buys a baby' when they adopt. They pay fees to facilitate the adoption process.
What are the proper terms I should use when it comes to adoption and why?
It is important when speaking of adoption you use positive language, not only for the benefit of the adopted children, but to honor and respect their biological parents as well. In general it is best to try to avoid using terms such as "given up for adoption" or "their parents gave them up". These terms make it seem like their biological parents did not care for them and that is so far from the truth. So instead we use will tell our child that their biological parents made an adoption plan. This is much more positive and true to the experience.
Also, it is important to honor their biological parents by referring to them as expectant parents. They have not fully decided what they are going to do until they sign revocation papers. After that time, the appropritate words to use are birth parents or first parents. In the other spectrum, once revocation happens adoptive parents should be simply referred to as parents. Once the adoption is finalized those parents will be the child's parents not only lawfully but in all other ways as well. Some people are tempted to use the term "real" parents when referring to biological parents, but in reality both sets of parents are the child's real parents.
What can we do to help?
The most important thing you can do is pray for us, all expectant parents considering an adoption plan and our future child. Also, we are excited about this process so asking us about it is not intrusive to us. However, if it takes a while for us to be matched, try not to ask us why it is taking so long. Instead ask us how we are doing with the wait and tell us you are praying for us.
Will it be worth it?
Most definitely! I have gotten to know a few people who have been through the same road we are on and have their children with them and what they all say is that every hard moment is worth finding the child meant for you.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Monday, January 12, 2015
The long and winding road....and wait....
As most of you know for the past two years, Jim and I have been trying to start a family. Throughout the process we have remained open to life and were praying for God's will to be done when it comes to children. In the last 6 months, our hearts have turned to adoption. We had talked about adoption before we were married, and felt that this is something we would be open to in our marriage. So, we were excited to take the leap to start our home study process in September, and in December we were ready to start to be shown to expectant moms.
One thing we were not prepared for was the roller coaster ride we would be on once we started this part of the process. The way things work for us is that we receive information on expectant moms and we decide whether or not we would like to have them view our profile. We are working with a consultant who works with many different agencies in different states so things have moved very quickly. Right away, we got 5 or 6 situations to consider. Of those, we decided to have our profile shown to one of the moms. We knew the chances were slim that we would be chosen, as expectant moms view many profiles when making their decision. We were not totally prepared to hear the news on Christmas Eve that we were not chosen to be parents for this particular child. It was difficult to hear this news as we were on our way to Mass. It was a difficult Mass to get through. One thing you don't expect is to fall in love a little bit with the expectant mom and her unborn child. A match generally happens when the expectant mom is in her third trimester, so there is not a lot of time to prepare if you are a match. You can't help but have your mind go to what it would be like to bring that child home in the next couple months.
Only two days later, we received another situation that we felt was right for our family, and so we asked to have our profile shown to this birth mom as well. I promised myself that I would not be as invested this time, but it was hard not to do so. We found out on New Year's Eve that we were not a match for this particular child either. It was definitely not the way we were hoping to spend New Year's Eve, but I know that for whatever reason, this child was meant for another family.
So, we continue in the wait. We have not been presented a situation since then that we felt was right for our family. The wait is difficult, especially when in a larger sense, we have been waiting for over two years. Our consultant has mentioned time and time again that God's timing is always perfect and that is something I keep trying to remember, that, when the time is right, our child will come to us. And, we will most definitely welcome them with the most open arms possible.
We have been so lucky to have great support from family and friends. We live in a weird existence where we are expectant parents, but not in the way society expects us to be. My body is not changing, I am not experiencing morning sickness, but in a very real way I am an expectant mom. Unlike pregnant women though, we have no idea how long it will be until our little one arrives. But, we are so happy that our family and friends have helped us to feel like typical expectant parents. For Christmas, friends and family showered us with onesies, diapers and wipes, toys, blankets, socks, hats, washcloths, pacifiers etc. It was so nice for them to realize that we will need all of these things on hand as we could have very little warning when we go to pick up our child. We are so grateful for the love of all of them!
We would also appreciate prayers as we continue in this journey and this wait.
God Bless,
Lisa
P.S. - Often when couples who have suffered infertility start the adoption process they hear repeatedly something like "Oh, now you will get pregnant...I have a friend who had this happen". While we appreciate hearing the stories of friends and family who were able to go on and have biological children, our goal is to start a family and we are not adopting so we can get pregnant. In fact, only 5-15% of couples ever go one to have children biologically after adoption. While we continue to remain open to life and open to however God wishes us to have children, adoption is not a second choice for us. We firmly believe that this is the way that God is calling us to start a family.
One thing we were not prepared for was the roller coaster ride we would be on once we started this part of the process. The way things work for us is that we receive information on expectant moms and we decide whether or not we would like to have them view our profile. We are working with a consultant who works with many different agencies in different states so things have moved very quickly. Right away, we got 5 or 6 situations to consider. Of those, we decided to have our profile shown to one of the moms. We knew the chances were slim that we would be chosen, as expectant moms view many profiles when making their decision. We were not totally prepared to hear the news on Christmas Eve that we were not chosen to be parents for this particular child. It was difficult to hear this news as we were on our way to Mass. It was a difficult Mass to get through. One thing you don't expect is to fall in love a little bit with the expectant mom and her unborn child. A match generally happens when the expectant mom is in her third trimester, so there is not a lot of time to prepare if you are a match. You can't help but have your mind go to what it would be like to bring that child home in the next couple months.
Only two days later, we received another situation that we felt was right for our family, and so we asked to have our profile shown to this birth mom as well. I promised myself that I would not be as invested this time, but it was hard not to do so. We found out on New Year's Eve that we were not a match for this particular child either. It was definitely not the way we were hoping to spend New Year's Eve, but I know that for whatever reason, this child was meant for another family.
So, we continue in the wait. We have not been presented a situation since then that we felt was right for our family. The wait is difficult, especially when in a larger sense, we have been waiting for over two years. Our consultant has mentioned time and time again that God's timing is always perfect and that is something I keep trying to remember, that, when the time is right, our child will come to us. And, we will most definitely welcome them with the most open arms possible.
We have been so lucky to have great support from family and friends. We live in a weird existence where we are expectant parents, but not in the way society expects us to be. My body is not changing, I am not experiencing morning sickness, but in a very real way I am an expectant mom. Unlike pregnant women though, we have no idea how long it will be until our little one arrives. But, we are so happy that our family and friends have helped us to feel like typical expectant parents. For Christmas, friends and family showered us with onesies, diapers and wipes, toys, blankets, socks, hats, washcloths, pacifiers etc. It was so nice for them to realize that we will need all of these things on hand as we could have very little warning when we go to pick up our child. We are so grateful for the love of all of them!
We would also appreciate prayers as we continue in this journey and this wait.
God Bless,
Lisa
P.S. - Often when couples who have suffered infertility start the adoption process they hear repeatedly something like "Oh, now you will get pregnant...I have a friend who had this happen". While we appreciate hearing the stories of friends and family who were able to go on and have biological children, our goal is to start a family and we are not adopting so we can get pregnant. In fact, only 5-15% of couples ever go one to have children biologically after adoption. While we continue to remain open to life and open to however God wishes us to have children, adoption is not a second choice for us. We firmly believe that this is the way that God is calling us to start a family.
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