Talking to your kids about adoption

As an adoptive parent, it is always on my mind on how best to talk to my children about their adoption. I have read books, already talked openly about their birthparents and pray nightly for their family members which include their birth family. I am constantly aware that I want my children to know that even though adoption is not the normal way a child joins a family, it is normal and its okay to be adopted.

The other day, as I was holding and cuddling little Jacob and realizing just how big he already is, I felt an overwhelming gratitude yet again that Nathan and Jacob's birth mother made the choice to place them for adoption in our family. Feeling this gratitude I went online to look for a quote or meme that adequately expressed what I was feeling. I typed in "adoption memes" and was SHOCKED with what came up. Here are just a few examples:

Folks! This is not okay and this is not funny! Adoption is not something to be joked about. I worry so much about how my children will be accepted when other children find out they are adopted. I have been told children who are adopted often get told on the playground "those people aren't your REAL parents" or "What happened to your REAL mom". This hurts my heart so badly! I know I will not be able to shield my boys from all the insensitive things people (children and adults alike) will say. But, what I hope I can convince you to do, is spend some time talking to your children about the different ways family are created. Let them know that adoption is a normal and beautiful thing. That it is not something to be made fun of, but celebrated!

Here is a great resource. Parents, if you know any children who are adopted, whether it be in your extended family, a child at the school your children attend or even an adult who is adopted, take the opportunity to talk to your kids and help them understand what adoption is and what it means. It is so important! 

https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/HelpingClassmatesUnderstandAdoption.pdf

"Wow! You're busy aren't you?"

I haven't written a blog post in months. Probably because life is a little busier with 2 little ones under the age of 2. Or, because our day to day life isn't all that exciting to merit a whole blog post. Or, once the kids go to bed I would rather veg out than think about what to say in a blog post. But, as a second child, I know that second children really get the short end of the stick a lot of the time. Since I have only written minimally after Jacob was born and he is already 7 months old, I figured now was the time to write a little update and share a little bit more about our sweet boy Jacob.

Life with Jacob and Nathan is really fun, but really exhausting all the time. Nathan is quickly becoming more of a toddler in some ways. He is always on the move, talking in excess of 200 words, is super sweet and has a mind of his own. But, he still needs lots of love and reassurance and in a lot of ways, I still very much have two babies. He has never really been jealous of Jacob, but at the same time, he doesn't like when Jacob gets attention. Often I have both of them on my lap because they both need comfort. Or, I am carrying both of them around because I need to get them from one place to another quickly. Just this morning I was lying on the floor playing with Jacob and Nathan hopped on my back and was cuddling me. I love it, but sometimes I wish I had more than 2 hands or could be in two places at once.

Thankfully, Jacob is a very chill, super laid back baby. He is so happy and loves to smile. He adores his brother Nathan, who is great entertainment for him. Jacob watches him closely all day long. You can tell Jacob wishes he could be on the move like Nathan. The admiration Jacob has for Nathan is super evident to anyone who spends time with them. Nathan can sit on him, pat his head, accidentally step on him, take toys away from him and Jacob is just happy Nathan is paying him some attention and smiles in admiration as he is enduring all that toddler Nathan throws at him (Sometimes literally. We are in the throwing our toys stage).

Jacob is definitely a mama's boy. He loves to cuddle and looks to me for reassurance a lot. He started the whole 'stranger danger' thing. Nathan never ever went through that stage so this is new for me. He is fine when people smile at a distance, but if anyone wants to hold him, forget it! He starts crying instantly. Luckily, he warms up pretty quickly and a few times being held by the same person he is over his fear.

He has recently learned to roll all over the room. He has it down to a science. Rolling and pivoting on his belly to get what he needs. We thought he would never attempt any other means of getting around, but recently he started army crawling to any toy just out of arms reach. He also LOVES to play peekaboo. He will find his burp cloth and throw it over his head and kick his feet in delight. If you don't realize what he is doing he will rip it off his head and look at you like, "Mom! I am trying to play here. Come play with me."

He is such a blessing to our family. Although we were definitely not anticipating adopting again so quickly after Nathan's adoption we are so happy we said yes when their birth mom asked us. We can already see the love both boys have for each other and know they will grow up being best friends. We cannot imagine Jacob not in our family! We love him so!

One thing that I hear a lot from perfect strangers is, "Wow! You are busy aren't you?" Usually this is when I am alone with both boys and someone sees us getting in and out of the car, or when we are out as a family for dinner or some fun activities. Just tonight, we decided to go out to eat and a man and woman sitting near us made that exact remark. I never know whether they feel sorry for us or they are just stating a fact, but I know that even on the most trying days, I wouldn't change this for the world!

Bringing Home Baby DeLara-Take 2

Both boys are sleeping and I finally have a moment to write down all the events of Jacob's adoption. I know I should be 'sleeping when the babies are sleeping' but I really want to get this all down on paper so I don't forget anything.

So, our son's birthmom who from now on I will refer to as N was due August 31st. In anticipation of her going into labor, my mom came to stay with us a few weeks before that. We were simply waiting to get 'the call'. It was stressful in a lot of ways because we had to be ready to go at any moment. N mentioned to me on the 26th she didn't think it would be happening anytime soon because she didn't feel anything to indicate she was close. I mentioned to her that perhaps her water would just break one day. She said she hoped that would be so. 

I took advantage of the fact that my mom was here, and on the 27th I went for coffee with a friend. We had a great visit and as I said my goodbyes, I checked my phone as I always do before I headed for home. There was a text message from N, saying she thought her water just broke! Even though I was hoping for this, I was shocked. I quickly called Jim and told him it was time! I got home quickly and we started to make plans. We all sort of divided and conquered. My mom played with Nathan while I looked at flights and Jim started packing. The 27th was a Saturday so there was exactly one flight, that connected in Chicago, on all the airlines that had seats available and would still fly out Saturday afternoon. We booked our tickets, finished packing and called a cab to bring us to the airport. The taxi took forever, and I was worried we were going to miss our flight. We got there in plenty of time and soon learned our first flight was slightly delayed. There was still about an hour between flights so we were going to be ok. As we got through security and got to the gate we heard an announcement that our flight was going to be further delayed. That it was going to land when our connecting flight was supposed to take off. I went to lady at the gate desk and asked what we should do. She told me that we should still go to Chicago that often flights are delayed there too and we still had a shot of making it. So we took her advice and got on the flight.

We soon realized we would have little to no chance of getting on the plane. It didn't help that our connecting flight was 2 concourses away. Just in case that plane was delayed, we came up with a game plan. Jim would grab Nathan and my mom and I would run ahead and try to get to the gate as soon as possible. Well, I got off the plane and started running. As I was running, I took a glance at the departures listed on the big sign and our flight info stated it was already departed. So, I slowed down. We were not going to get to Florida that day. We rebooked our flight for the following morning on yet another connecting flight. The plane was going to get us there at 2 p.m. But, for Saturday, we were stuck in Chicago. We were flying out at 7 am the next morning so it didn't make sense for Jim's family who live in the area  to come get us as it was already late. We stayed at the hotel connected to the airport. We found out our luggage was at O'Hare but we did not have access to it. So we would have to make due with just our carry on's for the night. In our rushing that morning, I didn't pack an extra outfit in the diaper bag for Nathan (I ALWAYS have one in there but took it out a few days before because it was getting small on him) and all of our pajamas, toothbrushes etc were in our luggage. We had a pack n play but it was also checked. Thankfully, the hotel was nice and accomodated us with a pack n play and we were able to buy Nathan an extra outfit. 

None of us slept well that night, as N was still in labor. Every hour or so I would check my phone for updates. It was so frustrating. We managed to get ready in the morning, and despite the lack of sleep everyone was ready to go. We were in the security line when I got a picture of Jacob sent by birthdad with the words "He's here". The picture was him still all full of gunk from birth but we could see right away he had a lot of gorgeous black hair. I turned to Jim to tell him that our baby was born when I hear "Ma'am! Ma'am! You need to get your double stroller weighed. You cannot take it through security" We were travelling with a double stroller as we would need it on the way back. I had never been to an airport where you could not take a double stroller through security, but at O'Hare I guess you cannot. And, this lady ruined our moment of celebration. We had to stop everything, get out of line, get our stroller weighed and since it weighed too much, check it. We now had to carry Nathan through the airport as well as all of our carry on luggage. We got back in line and managed to finally get excited that we had a new baby. We were upset though that, unlike Nathan's birth, we were not there for the first hours of Jacob's life. N and birthdad were really good at keeping us informed though. 

We had an uneventful flight(s) to Jacksonville and got to the hospital about 4p.m. and finally got to meet our precious Jacob. Jacob briefly got to meet his brother, but poor Nathan was so tired from the whole ordeal that he just wanted to go and nap. My mom and Nathan stayed at the hospital for a little while and then we drove them back to the hotel and came back.

We were extremely fortunate that we were able to come back home after only 2 weeks away. While we were in Florida, there was a hurricane that basically only created a lot of wind by the time it reached Jacksonville. But, it really hit Tallahassee hard, which is where the offices are that process the paperwork we needed to wait for in order to come back were located. Our lawyer told us to expect to be there quite awhile because the offices were closed and they weren't sure when they would reopen. We were ready to be there for the long haul, but we got back in the same amount of time as we did for Nathan's adoption. We were so blessed.

These first few weeks have been great with the two boys, but I know once my mom leaves that the real work will begin. Jacob has been a really great, laid back baby so far. He only cries when he has gas or is hungry and is generally pretty happy. He has done stretches of 5 hours sleep at night and has not yet gotten his days and nights mixed up. All of this is helping make our lives a bit easier as we feel fairly rested. Nathan is adjusting ok. He, for the most part, ignores Jacob. But when he does want to interact he doesn't really get that Jacob is little and he needs to be gentle. That will be a work in progress. 

We cannot thank God enough for the blessing these two boys have brought to our lives and our family. We are done with adoption now, and are fairly certain our family is complete. We couldn't have imagined a more perfect family. 

Mother's Day

I love my mom! She is the greatest! I remember when I was little, making her horrible, ugly home made presents, like a flower made out of tissue paper. I also remember her proudly wearing that ugly flower to church and she seemed like it was the most beautiful gift in the world. I love the fact that I get a special day to celebrate my mom and I don't take for granted the fact that I still have a mom here on earth to celebrate the day with.

But, for the last few years as I was struggling with fertility, Mother's Day was also a very painful day. It was a reminder of all the things I so desperately wanted and did not yet have. I so wanted a little baby who would one day make me ugly flowers out of tissue paper that I would wear proudly. Going to mass was almost unbearable. Seeing all the moms beaming with pride, wearing flowers, or other little trinkets their little ones made them was heartbreaking. Thank goodness my parish did not have all the moms stand for a blessing, so I didn't have to look around at all the other single ladies who had not yet found someone to marry or married women with no children and watch them fight back tears, while fighting back my own.

This year, I am so blessed to be able to finally celebrate Mother's day. I plan to celebrate my mom (from afar) as well as my mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-laws, Godmother, aunts and friends who define what great moms are. I will celebrate all the women who mothered me in some way in my formative years or shared their motherly wisdom with me as an adult.

But, I will also remember those with empty arms this Mothers day. I will remember those that have little ones in heaven and those that desire a child and have not yet been blessed with one. But the person I will remember most of all this Mother's day is Nathan's birth mother. She is the whole reason that I am a mother today. While I am Nathan's mom, she is as well. We each have different roles, but I know how much she loves Nathan and without her selfless choice we would not have Nathan in our lives. I am forever grateful that she chose us to be Nathan's parents and that she chose life for Nathan (and now for his little brother as well). I know Mother's Day will be hard for her and will be for all birth parents who chose to place their child for adoption. Would you remember all of these women in your prayers?

Another unexpected blessing...

When Nathan was born, Jim and I decided that we would wait until he was 6 months old to talk about whether or not we would adopt again, or if we were okay with the fact that Nathan may be our only child. Every once in awhile, we would try to broach the subject with each other prior to the 6 month mark. My feeling was always, "This is great! I love our little family of 3. After all, the Holy Family was only a family of 3 and look at them!" But, Jim was quick to share his desire for another child. Not just because he wanted another one, but because he wanted Nathan to have a brother or sister. I couldn't argue with that, which was why I was glad I could just table the discussion because Nathan wasn't 6 months old yet.

 I wanted another child, don't get me wrong. I just wasn't really up to the task of going through the whole adoption process again. Getting fingerprinted was getting pretty old. (Especially since I had to do it multiple times for my entry to the USA) Preparing a new profile seemed daunting. Waiting to be matched seemed like it would be even more stressful this time around. I am a big planner and not knowing if we would be matched in weeks or months was not really appealing to me, especially with a young baby at home. Not to mention the financial hit it would take on us. Nathan's adoption was expensive (lets start serious discussions on why it takes astronomical amounts of money to adopt a baby, shall we?) and it would be a big financial burden if we adopted another.

We have such a great relationship with Nathan's birth mom and another concern I had was, "What if we don't have the same relationship with a new babies birth family?" "What if they wanted a closed adoption and Nathan got to know his birth family but this new baby didn't?" "What if they lived on the opposite side of the country as Nathan's birth family? Could we really commit to visiting them too?"

We talk or text (mostly text) Nathan's birth mom pretty much daily. I send pictures. I tell her about his milestones and let her know just how much his birth family means to us on a regular basis. Around Christmas time, the text messages began to not be returned. I became concerned, but I knew this could happen eventually. Experts tell of how birth parents sometimes begin to distance themselves as time goes on. I worried this would happen and it made me sad to know that we may lose touch. I was relieved about a month later to get a text from Nathan's birth mom explaining her phone had broken and she was happy to be back in contact with us. In the midst of texting, she also told us she was pregnant again. We expressed our congratulations and immediately began to wonder what this meant for us. Was she going to parent this time? Was she going to ask US to adopt this baby? Was she going to choose another family?

We didn't quite know how to ask her, so we talked around the issue for a few days and finally a window opened up where the conversation could lead to making things clear. It turned out she did want us to adopt this child too. In the few days we were talking around the issue, Jim and I were able to discuss the ins and outs of what we would do if she did ask us to adopt again. We came to the conclusion that we would be able to do so, but if she didn't ask us, we would be happy for her and make sure that Nathan knew this sibling by visiting as much as possible.

After initial conversations and securing a lawyer to handle the process, the shock began to wear off a bit and Jim and I began to realize that in this later stage of life we would soon have our hands full with two little ones about a year apart. To be honest, I am still in a bit of denial about just how busy I will be. I remember a few moms who had "Irish twins" tell me it is not for the faint of heart. Those moms at the time of their children's infanthood were at least 10-12 years younger than I am now! But, I know that we will take it a day at a time and before we can blink these two little ones will be all grown. So, in all the craziness that is to come, I want to remember that I need to savor and appreciate these times.

Last weekend, we traveled to Florida to visit Nathan's birth family for the first time since he was born. It was great that he was able to meet his two biological siblings and spend some time with his birth family. There is no mistaking that his siblings are related to him. He looks just like them! It was great to see them interact and I look forward to many more visits.

While we were there, we were able to go with Nathan's birth mom for an ultrasound to determine the sex of this baby. We were happy to find out that Nathan will have a brother. These two little boys will be the best of friends, and I predict there will be a lot of fighting and wrestling going on as well. Growing up my dad was the only male amidst us girls and now I will be the only female in my house! Guess that means I will have to savor some girlfriend time alone now and again!

Looking back in the midst of my infertility and how ardently I prayed to God to gift us with a child, I never realized just how good He would be to us! I shouldn't be surprised, but God manages to surprise me all the time. My prayers were not only answered, but were answered in abundance and we cannot be happier. We can't wait until August when this little boy joins our family! We thank God everyday for His infinite blessings upon us!

Goodness of God

What a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I haven't had a ton of time to just sit and write in my blog for quite awhile. But, that is a great thing because I get to spend my days with Nathan.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a mommy. Not that I can remember anyway. Before meeting Jim, I had resigned myself to just being a really fun Aunt and thought maybe I wasn't meant to have kids. Then, I met Jim and I never wanted anything more. As you all know, we suffered infertility and could not have our biological children. At times in that journey, it seemed like God was not listening to us, that he had abandoned us in our time of need. That everyone else was having babies left and right but we were not one of the 'chosen ones'. There were some months that were harder than others, but at the depths of despair I remember thinking that the whole concept of God's will was questionable.

Then, slowly our hearts turned to adoption. And, we were matched with amazing birth parents. And then Nathan was born. And all of the years of infertility suddenly made sense. If we had been able to have biological children we would likely never have known Nathan and been his parents. We simply cannot fathom that! Looking back at the process I see God's hand in it all. We have had more blessings than we could count throughout this process.

Spending my days with Nathan, my favorite times are in the middle of the night when he wakes to eat. He is half asleep and as I place him on my shoulder to burp him sometimes he will snuggle in a little closer and I know that he knows that he is safe with his mommy.

We were both a little worried , and in the back of our minds were naturally nervous that maybe we would feel differently or have trouble bonding with Nathan because we did not share DNA. Well, that is crazy to think now. We could not love him anymore if we tried. Looking at his tiny face every day reminds us of the goodness of how good God has been to us!

Allow me a moment to brag:

Nathan is meeting all his milestones and then some! He grasps objects and even can twirl a spin toy by himself and you can tell he is trying and it is not a fluke. He is so strong! He has amazing head control and prefers standing on our laps and looking around than anything else. He is a great eater and sleeper and in general a very happy baby. He wakes up smiling and it brightens our day with all the cute things he does! 

It all began in 1902....

It all began in 1902 as far as we know. My great aunt on my dad's side was baptized in a simple baptismal gown adorned only with some pieces of lace and clearly intricately handmade. A few years later, my Grandmother used the same gown as was likely the custom of the day. In those days, there was likely not any money to use a different gown even if the desire was there.

Somehow, my Grandmother was able to keep the gown and as her own children were born, used that same gown. She passed the gown down to her kids when they had children and all of my cousins, my sister and I were baptized in that same gown.

My baptism 1976

Somehow, slowly it became a tradition in our family to use this gown. My oldest cousin is the keeper of the gown and whenever someone needs it they get it from her and return it to her. When my sister had her kids, they too were baptized in the same gown.

My nephew Alex's baptism 1999

Fast forward to this year. We knew we wanted to baptized Nathan as soon as we could and we knew we had to use this gown. It has come to mean so much in our family. To know that 4 generations of my dad's family have worn this same gown means so much. It means that as a family, we have remained steadfast in our faith, humbly asking the church to baptize our children. At the same time, we know that those in our family that have gone before us wore this same gown. Having Nathan wear this gown allowed my dad, who passed away in 2005, to play a role in his baptism. Even though Nathan does not share DNA with my dad, together they will share this faith which is so near and dear to us. And, together they have come forward in the same gown to be welcomed into the church. 

We are so blessed to have our beautiful faith, and this beautiful gown.

Nathan's baptism day. In our family pic, 4 of us have also worn this gown.